I'd like to take this moment to remember President Gerald R. Ford who passed away on the 26th. He was the oldest living American President. He passed away at age 93, as did Reagan. Ford beat Reagan's age by just one month. He was also the only President in American history to have not been elected.

Ford had several honors bestowed upon him. You may read about them here. It is a wonderful tribute and I encourage you all to read it, especially if you are an American. It is a sad time in our country when one of its highest leaders passes away. I believe that it is incumbant upon us all to set asside politics when one of our leaders breath their last, and to pay them the respect they deserve. Please take just one moment in your day to honor President Ford.

I'd like to close this post with a quote from Ford made immediately after at his swearing in. I believe that it embodies the man himself:

"I am acutely aware that you have not elected me as your president by your ballots. So I ask you to confirm me with your prayers."

Rest in peace, Mr. President.

My husband and children are watching "A Christmas Story" on TBS. They will be showing it for 24 hours. I believe it is one of the most annoying and abonoxious movies ever made. It is it the one Christmas movie I flat out refuse to watch.

You can't have a BB gun...you'll shoot your eye out you freaking idiot! Now deal with life and MOVE ON already.

Then of course is the other idiot who gets his tongue stuck on a frozen post...and the whiney little brother I'd love to Just. Shoot.

On another note, we have a new family member...Her name is Goldie. She is half yellow lab, half golden retriever. Isn't she simply adorable???!!!

All of my Christmas gifts are wrapped... Just waiting for the kids to go to bed so I can put them all under the tree and go to bed. They're watching that stupid movie with my husband though, so I have to wait another hour and forty minutes. Oh hey...guess I'll take a Christmas soak in my tub. BIG SMILES there.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all of you!!!
Hope your day is full of love and joy!!!

At the risk of smashing to bits every ounce of coolness my reputation may have, I must admit that I am a Barry Manillow and Gloria Gaynor fan. I've been singing two of their songs throughout the day. First comes "I Will Survive" and then "Copa Cabana". In both of these songs the women's lives take a serious nosedive. Gloria goes on with passion about how she's going to survive it all. Lola, well, Lola winds up dressing in her old showgirl dress from twenty years previous and looses her mind.

Right now I can relate to both of those women.

Big shout out to Tuna's ex-teacher. Many thanks for targeting my baby and making his life so miserable that I had to withdraw him. Tossing him homework in the trash and giving him zero's for it instead? Two thumbs ups! Great teaching strategy!

And telling the class that my son fakes all of his medical issues on the day that he's having an MRI looking for a possible brain tumor to explain his seizure (you say he's not having). TERRIFIC example for the other children! I thank you for that one, too.

I really like the super sarcastic remarks you wrote on his homework packet (that you told the guidance counselor he didn't turn in). My autistic child was thrilled to have worked so hard to complete all seven sheets only to have to write, "Did you read the question?" and "Not a good answer!". Fred and I figured out how he came to those conclussions in a matter of seconds, and they both made perfect sense to us. But he's just a gay farmer and I'm an idiot stay at home mother. I'm sure we know shit.

But that doesn't hold a candle to you're berating him in front of the other children when he didn't understand things. That's EXACTLY what we should be teaching children. When a person with a disability can't perform at the same level of everyone else...berate them in front of their peers. It's fun!

What I'm most impressed with though, is that asside from being such an amazing school teacher, evidently you also hold a medical degree. I'm truly honored to be in the presence of a woman who can teach so magnificently, and THEN without ever seeing a report, can declare that my sons does NOT have OCD, impulse control, ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome or seizures, amoung other things. You can cut through all the bullshit and KNOW that he's faking it all.

How cool it must be to be you.

You are my idol.

I want to be like you.

Have a merry Christmas, and thanks for helping my son so tremendously. I will cherish you in my heart forever, as will my son as the rest of our family.

Peace out.

Just a few random thougths...

ANOTHER Rocky movie? Are they frigging serious???

My mother is coming to visit on Dec 26th. She is staying at a hotel. SEND. DRUGS. NOW. For me that is...

A tenth grade (slut whore cradle robber) girl on the bus told my either grader that his long hair made him look really hot. He is now wearing a flat top.

Too much homemade fudge makes your jeans too tight.

OH! And Bear will be here on the 21st! You know what that means....SEX! SEX!!! SEX!!!!! So send condoms with those drugs.

That's about all for now.

Texas Mosque Update!

Actually, one of my readers posted a very well written comment regarding her experience with having a religious organization open up down the road on her PREVIOUSLY quiet neighborhood. I thought it deserved sharing.

Ozfemme said...

We live in a relatively quiet (if you overlook my raucous squawking at the children) leafy peaceful area. Just down the road from here, some Bahai devotees took possession of an old shopfront and use it to worship on certain weeknights. That's cool. They're a peaceful, gentle mob and I quite like the basic priniciples of their faith. I just wish that after a peaceful, night's worshipping they could go peacefully to their cars (which they've blocked our driveway with at regular intervals) and depart as quietly as they can. No, not this mob. Once they're done with their peaceful and harmonious worshipping they're out there, all talking at the top of their voices at once, taking half an hour to say "See Ya" and slamming their car doors several times over each - or so it would seem. Perhaps it's part of their rituals? Then, just to top it off, they have to honk their car horns twice each as they depart, just in case there's someone in a 12km radius that isn't aware of the fact that they're going home and see you Thursday!!

My son is in the school rock band. He plays guitar and is soon acquiring a drum kit. We have a large garage down the back of the property which I will line with whatever sound proofing works the best. I've notified the neighbours and have set time limits on when Noise and his band members can make noise.

Guess who in the street has a problem with it?!

I'm tempted to schedule a rock band concert in my front yard one Thursday night from 7 - 10pm and invite everyone in town and make sure all the available parking space in the street is taken.

I'm a reasonable woman, you know.

Peace Out People!

Now see, like I said, the issue with the Mosque isn't anti-Muslim. It's anti-"noise and confussion in my neighborhood". Here you have a religious organization not caring about the noise and problems THEY cause, but reign in on the neighbors' right to make their own.

Zipperfish has a great cartoon series entitled "You Are Fucking Morons". Here is the most recent You Are Fucking Morons 12: Muslims. Enjoy!

Britney's Cooter

Looks like she needs to shave a little further back. She's got some ass hair. Oh, and the regular use of personal hygiene wipes after each "powder room" break would help lighten up that brown streak between her butt cheaks.

NASTY...

Muslims Build A Mosque In Texas And Get Pig Races

A group of Muslims in Texas purchased some land and want to build a Mosque, a gym, and a school on it. There is a problem though, evidently several of their neighbors do not want the traffic into their quiet little area. Who can blame them? Also, another neighbor raises pigs. They asked him to leave (this is being denied...of course).

So the pig owner, whose family settled the area and has had their family pig business in this location for a couple generations, has decided to hold large pig race every Friday night (for those of you who were born yesterday, Muslims find pigs offensive and Friday night is their night of worship).

Well, I have an answers for the oh so offended Muslims. The pig owners/racers were there first. They've been raising pigs for quite some time. If you don't like it, sell the land and purchase elsewhere. Even then, be well aware that someone else may purchase the land next to you and decide to do pig boils on Friday night. Personally, if I were your neighbor, I'd have a weekly Friday night pig roast. I like roasted pig. I like ham, bacon and pork chops. This is AMERICA. In America we eat pigs. If you don't like it...LEAVE. But don't think for one damned minute that you have any right to claim "Religious Beliefs" and impose your pig issues on the rest of the bacon eating country. I live in the South now. Bacon, sausage and fried pork rinds are our heritage. Little Miss Piggy is an American Icon.

So either GET OVER IT or move to the Middle East where your women will be covered from head to toe and no pigs abound.

Now some people question whether or not there would be an outcry if someone wanted to build a Church instead. I believe the answer would be yes. There are fifteen homes out there. It is quiet. They like it that way. They don't want the traffic generated daily by a school, a gym and religious meetings. The Muslims are being rude by just ASSUMING that anyone there would be okay with an increase in traffic and noise to their homesteads.

Look, we moved our family out to nowhere for some peace and quiet. If a group of Protestants wanted to build something off of my quiet road which would create an increase in traffic, I'd be pissed and I'd fight it tooth and nail. I've lived in a neighborhood with an elementary school in it. The traffic was horrific. I HATED IT!!! At least these people have a recourse: PIG RACING ON FRIDAY NIGHTS.

I suggest the pig racing start now. I think they should do it during school hours every day as well. People purchase homes in quiet areas BECAUSE THEY WANT IT QUIET. They don't want to deal with parents dropping off and picking up their kids every damned day. I know I don't. And I'd much rather have pig racing and hog boils than vehicular traffic almost every morning, every afternoon, and several evenings during the week.

The American Muslim community wants us to be considerate of them. So when the hell will they become considerate of us? The Katy Islamic Association has an opportunity here (or HAD an opportunity here) to show that they are concerned about people other than themselves. I do know of churches asking local neighbors about building a church in their community BEFORE purchasing land and creating additional traffic. And I do know of churches who have agreed to go elsewhere. It's called being considerate.

A lesson that the K.I.A. obviously needs to learn.

She's pissed and crapped in my house once too often. This is bullshit! If I lock her in her cage she will hold it all damned night long. But if she has the run of the house she just pisses and craps wherever the hell she pleases. She is three years old and I've done all the doggie house breaking tricks out there. And yet Bitch Dog continues to use my house as a public toilet.

That is why she will be spending the night outside where it is going to be down in the 30's (we have a screen in back porch). I hope she enjoys herself. And tomorrow she looses her freedom. She will be fed at 6:30 and then locked in her cage. She will be given four potty breaks. She will no longer roam the house freely or run loose outside. She will live her life in the cage until she knocks it off.

That goes for Bear's little Pissy Dog, too. He's taken to running outside for an hour and then coming into the house to take his dump.

The cat's been relegated outside as well. WHY? Because she jumps up on my counter and rips into the bread or anything else on the counter even though she has food sitting out. Yes, she is now officially an OUT. DOOR. CAT.


There will be no more indoor animals. I don't care how cute, cuddly, cold, wet or hungry they may be live. No more indoor animals...except maybe a goldfish.

We are expecting the first snow of the season on Friday. YEAH!!!

Two posts in one day...

George the goat died. I went down to the barn to let them out, and he was dead. He was too big to try and dig a hole for. I carried him out to the corn fields and laid him in the middle of the dry stalks.

I guess that's all there is to say.

I would like to take this moment to thank Bear for the most amazing sexual experiences he gave me Wednesday night in the tub after his arrival, and this morning. I will be smiling for days now. Thank-you, Bear!

Here is Katie alive and well and sticking her tongue out at me.

Here's a close up of my dog's wounds.

Here's a cute one of the cat comforting the dog. I just thought that was sweet.

I ran over my dog today.

I was backing out of the drive way to drive down to the barn and let the goats in. I was barely moving, thank the Goddess, when I feel this "thump" and the van stops. I go into drive and move off of what I'd backed over thinking, "Please don't let it be a dog...please don't let it be a dog..." Of course, it was a dog.

I took her to the vet. She's needed staples and antibiotics and pain meds (think she'll share the pain meds???). She'll be recovering on the back porch. No playing with the goats or chasing squirrells for breakfast for the next week.

I picked her up and put her on one of the chairs on the back porch and covered her up with a towel so she'd stay warm tonight. Poor thing.

Maybe now she'll stop playing dodge car. There are only three cars on this road (two houses, dead end). She's now been hit by two of them. I hope this will be the last time.

I had a startling realization about three of my children tonight at dinner:

My third son truly deserves the nickname they gave him at school..."Happy Gilmore". Then I looked at my fourth son and realized that I have a Gomer Pyle in my house that makes a great side kick for Gilmore. Then I heard son number two saying something and I realized I have a Gilligan as well.

Hmmmm....Gilmore, Gomer and Gillian...I think I shall start refering to them as such in my blog. I think I'll start calling the eldest son Fred Astaire...Freddy Boy...you know...to poke fun at him for dancing like a white boy. But gotta give him kudos for trying.

I was watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas and the Grinch was swinging from some wreaths and I SWEAR the song "Ice, Ice, Baby! Bum-badda-bum-bum-bum-bum" fits in just perfect there. Twas quite scary. Then I began to wonder why the PETA people don't ban that film from being shown. After all, here's this little itty dog just kicking the shit knocked or whipped out of it nearly the entire movie. And at the end? They feed him "roast beast"...a DEAD animal...and look close, folks, it's RAW. What kind of inhumane creatures ARE these Who's anyway?!

I had wild kingdom going on in my kitchen earlier this evening. I couldn't get to the camera in time, but I swear to you, the cat was on her back and the poodle was given it to her in missionary position. Then the chin was given it to the poodle doggie style. The poodle was giving this happy whine the entire time. It was pretty damned freaky. And I was laughing my frigging ass off!

Talking about laughing my ass off, you need to go here and watch "CELL PHONES & CAR ADS". The ending is hillarious. I had somehow missed that Foamy and my Bear was kind enough to tell me about it.

Well, gotta run...

I have the flu.

Things I would like for Christmas, Yule, Hanukkah, Kwanza... Seriously, if you just feel like buying me something, I'd be purty excited over any of the following:

Foamy the Squirrel DVD Vol. 1

Foamy the Squirrel DVD Vol. 2

Foamy the Squirrel DVD Vol. 3

Squirrelly Wrath Thong

Squirelly Wrath Spaghetti strap to match above thong

Human Idiocy T-Shirt

Dead Squirrel Society T-Shirt

Zen of Anger T-Shirt

Stab You With Hot French Fry T-Shirt


I wear a size medium top. I do have some hips, so I'd need a large for the thong.

Thank-you.

Gift Cards Make Horrible Gifts

Bear was given a gift card in July for a bookstore. Nearest one? Almost an hour away. Shop online? Evidently not all gift cards can be used online. I had to call customer service and argue with this woman that even though the store was only "X" miles away, it was still nearly an hour's worth of driving. Wasn't about to do that for $20. Her surperviser finally agreed to convert my GC to an online gift certificate.

I current have other gift cards that I've tried to use online (nearest store is 1 1/2 hours away) and the very FEW items my children have asked are all "Available in store only." The clearance crap and junk is about all you can fine at the online store.

There were the Toys R Us cards my kids received one year. Spent over an hour round trip in travel time so the kids could pay 15% more than they would have if they had the choice to shop after holiday sales near our home.

And then you have to LOVE LOVE LOVE when you get $20 for here and $25 for there and $15 for somewhere else. Wanted one nice item? Not a chance, can't combine them. Plus you have to drive, drive, drive to all of the individual stores. You spend more in gas than was on the gift cards to begin with. And if you do try to shop online and are lucky enough for them to have what you wanted, it's $8 in shipping. So in reality, instead of receiving a $20 gift, you actually received a $12 gift.

I'm going to make that simple for those of you with not so complex minds: If the receivee has to shop online because you gave them a gift card for a store they can't get to, you threw away $8 of a $20 gift card.

Look people, you wanna REALLY be thoughtful? Give an AmEx or MasterCard gift card. Better yet, send a check. That way you know it's going to fit. And maybe the intended gift reciever would like to save their Christmas and B-Day money to help pay for a car when they turn 16 in three years instead of buying something now.

Cash is king. No matter what anyone says. Cash is the best gift you can give unless you know EXACTLY what the person wants. Some say I don't put enough thought into gifts for people. Truth is, I've given this LOTS of thought. I either make them something or I let them buy what they want.

One day my nieces and nephews will be adults and they'll say, "My Aunt Krystal was the best. She gave us CASH and we always got what we wanted."

Happy pre-holiday shopping...

In the news today...

Doogie Howser is gay. That's news?

Boy George was intimately involved with a male band member. When it went bad, the band broke up. Again, that's news?

Madonna might adopt another child. Good for her and the child she adopts.

Some dweeb writer at AOL thinks I can have my house "sparkling" in just 19 minutes a day. Maybe if I were single.

A few observations...

This Man has got to be OCD. Come on, the man took a picture of himself EVERY DAY from January 11, 2000-July 31, 2006. That would be 2,356 pictures. He calls it "a work in progress." Alrighty then. I really do like the music playing in the background though. I'm sure he'll win an award from Hollywood.

And then this wonderful new single from Gwen Stefani ("Wind it Up") just bothers me. I mean, I never could understand the purpose of "There Ain't No Hollar Back Girl" (spelling "banana"...HUH??) This one has me even more baffled. It's starts off with yodeling from "The Sound of Music". Quite odd. Is what she does considered music?

Try playing OCD Man and The Musically Challenged one at the same time. It's funny.

Then there's Borat. Need I say more?

Strange But True...

Bear went to the bank today. He found it swarmed with cops. He asked if it was robbed. Yes, indeed it was. Did they catch the man? Yes, they did. You see, the bank robber made his getaway on his bicycle which he road to the other side of the strip plaza. He then got off his bike and sat down at the bench, well in view from the bank, to wait for the city bus to come and take him home.

Sorta makes you just wanna say, "Give the money back and you're free to go. Obviously you're too much of a fuck-nut to do real harm." Could you imagine his conversations in prison on how he got caught...

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." -Fuck Nut, I mean sen. john kerry (lack of capitalization intentional)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

to all of my Pagan and/or witchy friends out there.

Secondly, I am sorely depressed. My man, Bob Barker, is retiring next June. He will be 82 this December 12th. I love Bob Barker. I had a crush on him in middle school. I can't believe that the man will be leaving Price. Life will never be the same.

My husband informed me this morning that Daniel Rolling finally got the needle after sixteen years. I hope now that my friend, Sonja, may rest in peace.

And don't any of you liberal, bleeding heart fuckers post anything against the death penalty here. The son-of-a-bitch butchered Sonja. They had to identify her by her dental records. I can't imagine the horendous pain and suffering she went through while this bastard got off torturing and slashing her to death.

Sonja was a sweet person. A good person. And she didn't deserve what she received. My moment is over now. Thank-you.

So sorry it took so long...It's as nekkid as Bear says I can get on the net.

Reflections and Introspections

I will be 36 in February. For some reason a few weeks ago it really hit me that I will be 36 soon. But it didn't hit in a bad way. It just...occurred to me.

I guess that I've metioned different things to my husband because he told me today that I'm really embracing this. Yes, yes I am.

As young girls we all look forward to our first bra. We're proud at each new cup size. As a few years pass, we realize that we're unable to jump and run without one. The novelty begins to wear off. Then we look forward to nursing babies, finding that bras are once again a godsend...for a while. We get weary of the constant feedings. Our babes wean and we look in the mirror and see our once beautiful breasts a bit lower than they once were. We turn to underwire for help. Some women are so dismayed that they feel the need to go under the knife to "fix" their breasts. We compare our selves to younger girls and find ourselves short.

As young girls we anxiously await our passage into womanhood with our first cycle. It's exciting, for a day and a half, until we realize that we're going to do this every month for the next 25, 35, 40 YEARS. Then we begin to resent it each month: the cravings, the bloat, the hormones. We spend an entire week complaining that it's coming. But we miss that it's that exact cycle which enables us to create life! It's a wonderful glorious thing and we bemoan it each month.

As adolecense we see our hips begin to develop and we're captivated by the mirror looking at our new curves. We use them to attract the boys and we're proud to have them. Then we age a bit and they get bigger than we might like. We begin to become uphappy with them and complain about the very things we were so enamored with as teenage girls. We grow older, have children, and somehow expect to look seventeen again.

We go through all of these changes failing to realize that there are many rights of passage in life and how we handle them will either make us or break us.

Ladies, there is nothing wrong with your breasts or mine! Mine sustained life for five precious children and if they hang a little low and swing too and fro, they're BEAUTIFUL and they're mine and they're perfect the way they are.

And there is nothing wrong with your hips or mine! As long as you're HEALTHY they're perfect the way they are, they've changed, that's all and they are a part of you. So gravity got ahold of them. So what!

We grow older and we pass from child to young lady to young woman. Now I'm turning 36, I have night sweats and my cycles are getting a bit odd and I have saddle bags forming in my thighs that I can't get rid of and I have wrinkles forming around my mouth (hopefully from all that smiling I like to do). My metabolism is slowing down so I have to be more careful about what I eat and I have to make sure that I exercise. And I need to get a base line mammogram.

And why? Because I'm passing into another phase of my life, another beautiful phase that will once again change my body and my appearance. And it's okay. I looked into the mirror this afternoon after fully coming to appreciate what is going on with my body and I really like my non-perky boobs and my less than "Hollywood perfect" hips and thighs and the lines around my mouth and I realize that these are just the marks of a happy life with a wonderful husband and five amazing children and I LIKE the way I look, every bit of it.

And as I spend the next decade passing from young woman to mature woman, I will not be anxious for it to end. I will not judge my body against the bodies of girls two phases behind me. I will embrace this change and I will embrace me and I will do my best to enjoy every little bit of it instead of trying to rush it on or longing for life which has already passed.

Because I am a woman.

And this is my body.

And it's functions and looks are perfect and running along just the way nature intended it to be.

I am a woman. I am beautiful. I will be 36 soon.

And in about ten years, we won't need to purchase condoms anymore.

Second Degree Burn

That's what you get when you overflow a jar of apples with hot bubbling syrup that is over 225 degrees. But if you keep it on ice off and on for 3 1/2 hours, amazingly enough, you get no blisters and by the next day, it no longer hurts to touch it. I'd take a picture of my hand, but my new camera hasn't arrived yet...

WHICH brings me to the next subject...

Nekkid picture coming soon

Bear has purchased me a new digital and it should be here next week. We've already discussed the shot, and it has his approval.

House Flood and Lassie's Replacement: My Dog Kaitlyn AKA Dumb Ass (See Previous Post)

Okay, before I tell you about my day yesterday, I will explain to you why I am up at 4:20 in the morning blogging.

You see, I went to bed nice and all around 9:30, but at 2:00 this morning I start to hear the pitter patter of little feet upstairs in the boys' room. Their floor is my ceiling. I figure one of them is going to the bathroom. And one of them did come downstairs to use the facilities (why they have to use the downstairs bathroom will come next). Now begins the potty parade as one by one the three younger boys all come down to use the bathroom. Then they take one of the dogs and the cat into their room. The dog and the cat start chasing each other back and forth in the room which is over my bed (except I didn't know the cause of the hoopla until a bit later). Finally at 3:11 I got my ass out of bed and went up to tell them to shut. the. hell. up. I kicked the animals out of the room.

All is well, I can now attempt to go back to sleep. My mind and body had a difficult time settling back down. I had JUST dozed off when I hear Kaitlyn start up with her Lassie immitation outside. WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! BARK! BARK! BARK! Being as we live next to a wildlife refuge, I grab my flashlight and head out to see what was going on. "What's wrong, Girl? What? You say that little Timmy is stuck in a well?!?!?! OH NO!" She had the scent of something. I did the obligatory scanning of the woods with my flashlight, but I never saw an animal out there. Although with the dense woods it's not like the flashlight is going to make it visible anyhow. I simply call the dogs up to the porch, assure them that they're great and wonderful blah, blah, blah... Can I go back to bed now? Except I can't sleep.

So here I sit blogging.

Okay, the House Flood

I'm up at my friend's (the only other house on this road) when I receive a phone call from my son. He tells me that the toilet upstairs overflode and is still running. Yeah, yeah, yeah, toilet's back up and there some water on the floor, I'm on my way. Except when I get upstairs, instead of the little overflow I was expecting, there's an inch and a half, maybe two inches of water on the floor. The toilet backed up and the flapper got stuck in the up position and the toilet ran full flow...for about 30-40 minutes.

Of course I immediately turned off the water valve behind the toilet. Not in time, however, to prevent the water from the UPSTAIRS bathroom to seap through the floor and come out of the ceiling and pour in a steady stream into the DOWNSTAIRS bathroom, which now had a good inch of water in.

And of COURSE this water went through the floor and had a steady stream flowing into, you got it, Baby! the basement!!! WEEEEEEEEE!!!

So I got out my handy dandy carpet cleaner and sucked up the water from upstairs. Then I sucked out the water from downstairs and will have to try sucking more water from the basement. You see, while the bathrooms have linoleum in them, the basement has this stuff on the floor called...CARPET...which is now damp with...toilet water...

We did end up using just about all of my ten of our our extra large size fluffy white towles to clean up the meass as well. So they were washed in hot water and bleach last night. I guess there will be no shower for me this morning when...ever...I might have showered when I got up.

If I were actually still asleep.

Six Bushels of Apples

A friend gave me six bushels of apples yesterday afternoon. To give you an idea of how much that is (I wish I had my camera), it's four large rectangle laundry baskets, a large box and two paper bags from the grocery store. I will be busy making apple butter, apple rings, spiced apple ring, applesauce, etc, for the next three days.

'Nough said. I guess I should go ahead and start making the kids' lunches now. Makes no sense to try to sleep now when I'll just have to get up in another hour anyway to get the kids to the bus by 7:00.

Alrighty, I'm over 6,000...and my digital camera is broken. I am true to my promise, so as soon as my Bear gets me my camera, the new picture will be up. Sorry for the delay, but the circumstances *ARE* out of my control.

Thought y'all might get a kick out of this. I know I did...

You Belong in 1962

If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?

I just finished reading an article about the girl that was killed in the high school hostage situation in Bailey, CO (full article here). Now that my children are in school, after reading that article, I feel sick. I truly want to vomit. These things upset me before, but now that sudden rush of fear for my own children's safety just made me sick.

See that counter???

When it reaches 6,000 I'm going to post a nudie shot...of SOMETHING...I don't know what...

Once again, it's a blame-everyone-else society...

McDonald's and other fast food places have been receiving a lot of flack for serving fatty unhealthy food. Okay, it's fast food alright? Anyway, McDonald's has now donated $2 million dollars to fund research on childhood obesity. Terrif. You may read the full article here.

While you may find the entire article of interest, I zeroed in on one particular quote, "It's good that they are funding useful medical research, but that doesn't absolve them of their responsibility to serve nutritious food to children," said Daniel Borochoff, president of the American Institute of Philanthropy, a Chicago-based charity watchdog group.

Personally, I've always believed that it was the PARENT'S responsibility to serve nutritious food to THEIR children. After all, no one is FORCING them to drive through any fast food chain and purchase greasy burgers, deep fried chicken or potatoes to their children. And of course, no one is twisting their arms to purchase soda or milk shakes for their children to wash that greasy, fattening, calorie ridden food down either. These places do offer salads with low-fat dressing, fruit cups, yogurt, milk, juice, grilled chicken and bottle water as well. It isn't the fault of the chains that too many parent's out there are too wishy washy to say "NO" to their child or just plain don't give a rat's ass about their child's health.

I'm not going to throw stones at anyone for taking their kids out for an occassional jaunt for a burger...stress on the word OCCASSIONAL. But it isn't McDonald's fault that there are kids out there being raised on grease and fat. That responsibility falls square on the parents who continually purchase this food for consumption by their children and call it dinner. NO ONE ELSE IS TO BLAME. That is just called poor parenting.

Of course, I'd like to know when these people are going to start going after the breakfast and lunch programs in our public schools. With such offereings as children Pop Tarts, sugar coated cereals, greasy sausage pizza, chocolate and strawberry milk for breakfast and corn dogs, fries, cookie, chocolate and strawberry milk for lunch, is it really wonder our children are obese???!!! These kids get this same type of food FIVE DAYS A WEEK at school. How often do they really get McDonald's? It seems to me that if people want to start casting blame they should start at the public school food programs because they are absolutely greasy, fattening, calorie ridden and UNHEALTHY! Even salads are made with iceburg lettuce, which has NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE at all, cheese made from grease (because it's cheap) and salad dressing that is loaded with saturated fat. All heaven forbid serving these kids fat free low calorie dressing, right?

In the end is still comes down to the parents though. Until the PARENTS take responsibility and start demanding truly healthy food for breakfast and lunch at school (or take the time to pack healthy nutritious food for their children like I do) and stop driving through McDonald's, all of the research isn't going to do a damned thing.

But that's just my opinion.

So many things to tell you...

Let's see, we had our first EGG!!! Fresh from our hen's backside! Isn't it PUR-DY?!
Yesterday I actually watched an egg fall out of Gordy's butt. For some reason, this excites me.

After the egg laying decided to lay out in the sun for a while. It was in the high 70's, but with the sun right on me it felt warmer. I laid out totally nekkid because WHO'S GONNA SEE ME???? Yeah, I walked around nekkid as a jay-bird for a while too because WHO'S GONNA SEE ME???? I love my country life.

I've been up since 4:00 a.m. You see, last night Bear said he was thinking about me and then he thought about tornados. Being the superstitious person I am, when it began storming terribly outside at 4:00 this morning (I swear we had lightning that shook the house), I just KNEW that we were going to have a tornado. So I didn't sleep.

That's why it makes sense that I ate chili at 8:00 this morning because I'd already been up for four hours.

I like chili.

Second post of the day...

You go, WILLIE!!!

Willie Nelson Cited for Drug Possession

LAFAYETTE, La. (Sept. 18) - Willie Nelson and four others were issued misdemeanor citations for possession of narcotic mushrooms and marijuana after a traffic stop Monday morning on a Louisiana highway, state police said.

The citations were issued after a commercial vehicle inspection of the country music star's tour bus, state police said in a news release.

"When the door was opened and the trooper began to speak to the driver, he smelled the strong odor of marijuana," the news release said. A search of the bus produced 1 1/2 pounds of marijuana and 0.2 pounds of narcotic mushrooms, according to state police.

Nelson's publicist, Elaine Shock, declined immediate comment.

Also cited were Tony Sizemore, 59, of St. Cloud, Fla.; Bobbie Nelson, 75, of Briarcliff, Texas; Gates Moore, 54, of Austin, Texas; and David Anderson, 50, of Dallas.

Each was released after being issued a citation.

Nelson, 73, has recorded songs including "On the Road Again" and "City of New Orleans."

Fuck.
Fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Yup, still shitty...

I had a shitty first half of the day. Anyone else?

My Father's Last Dance

It was November '03. My in-laws and my parents were at our house in Florida. My father-in-law was playing the piano and my parents were singing. My Dad's voice grew tired and he just listened to my Mom and father-in-law. I asked him to dance. I helped him out of his wheelchair and supported him while we danced. I don't remember the song. I remember him getting tears in his eyes because he hadn't danced since his stroke December 2000. He never thought he would dance again.

Dance With my Father Again

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spend me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love love love to dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me(yeah, yeah)
Then finally make me do just what my momma said
Later that night, when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

If I could steal
One final glance
One final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to dance with my father again

Please Vote for my New Icon

Choice 1

Choice 2

I took the kids to the drive-in to see Barnyard. The movie disturbed me. Let me tell you why...

All the cows were heifers.

ALL of them. Ben and Otis (father/son), the MALES who did the protection of the barnyard, had huge, engorged udders where their bullness should have been and no horns. Now, I'm not sayin' that Ben and Otis should have had huge bull dicks or anything. I'm just sayin' that the farmer didn't have huge breasts and the male dog didn't have teats. So WHY did Ben and Otis have udders?

It bothered me the entire movie. SERIOUSLY.

And I wasn't the only one. Everyone at that drive-in now think that those people out in California are stupid.

Beyond any comprehension.

They're stupid.

Look, my 13-year-old didn't grow up on a farm. He's never seen a bull up close. But he noticed. He knows that male cows don't have udders. So what the f*ck is WRONG with those people???

Look...

This is a heifer. See the lovely udders???

This is a bull. No udders, just a dick and horns.

This isn't rocket science. I need to send these images to someone in charge. Maybe I'll send them so someone at Paramount and Nickelodeon. Hmmmm...

Suddenly, I like Britney...

I've often wondered what the draw was to Lindsay Lohan. So when there was a set of photos of her in various bathing suits I decided to see for myself.

The girl has no hips. No shape. No figure real figure of any kind. Her legs are skinny and scrawny. She looks like a boy with boobs. Seriously, I don't get it. She looks undernourished.

And she's an airhead.

Every quote I've read of hers makes her sounds stupid. STUPID.

And Hillary Duff? Eat a damn Big Mac or three. Your head is way too big for your body. That goes for Nicole Ritchie as well.

Ritchie use to have this cute little figure until she went on a hunger strike.

Now she's a walking stick (that's an insect that looks like a stick...saw one the other day...the country is cool like that).

The only thing I can conclude is that these girls aren't as well off as we all think. They must not be able to afford food. I'm thinking about starting a fund to feed undernourished starlets...because DAMN! they look like they could pose as starving children for one of those feed the world organizations.

Seriously.

Breast Implants Save Israeli from Rocket

Rueters
Updated: 6:11 p.m. CT Aug 15, 2006

JERUSALEM - An Israeli woman's breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hezbollah rocket attack during Israel's war with the Lebanese group, a hospital spokesman said Tuesday.

Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24-year-old’s heart.

"She was saved from death," said a spokesman for Nahariya Hospital in northern Israel. The woman has been released from hospital.

I saw the Chippendales last night.

I. Touched. This. Man.

Unfortunately I left my camera at home so I downloaded this one from the Chippendales website. The city ordinance for where they were performing prohibits them from removing their pants. So they dropped them to their ankles and bent over for us instead. OMGoddess!

Anyway, his name is Michael Riece and he's from Down Under and has THE sexiest voice. I wrapped my arms around him and OMGoddess!

Well, that's all I have to say. Remember, Ladies, save a horse, ride a cowboy!

YEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWW!

This post is for Batman and Sonia specifically, as they are into politics. I most sincerely hope that you'll all go check it out though. It is a movie which PROVES that many of the photos coming out of Lebanon showing all sorts of death and destruction are FALSE. There are even pictures of people pretending to be dead just for the photo shoot.

This is important, no matter what side of the controversy you're on.

Proof of false pictures coming out of Lebanon

Meet my new babies, George and Gracie. We hope that they'll have babies. They're fainting goats, so if you scare them, they pass out.

George is the boy. He has huge nuts (picture to be posted in the future).

Gracie is the girl. She likes to meet you when you go to see her. She loves to be petted, loved and held.

This is our other new family member. Her name is Princess Matty. Katelynn the dog likes to paly with her.

Guard dog destroys Elvis' $75K teddy bear & others

LONDON - A guard dog has ripped apart a collection of rare teddy bears, including one once owned by Elvis Presley, during a rampage at a children’s museum.

“He just went berserk,” said Daniel Medley, general manager of the Wookey Hole Caves near Wells, England, where hundreds of bears were chewed up Tuesday night by the 6-year-old Doberman pinscher named Barney.

Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears’ limbs and heads on the museum floor. The bear, named Mabel, was made in 1909 by the German manufacturer Steiff.

The collection, valued at more than $900,000, included a red bear made by Farnell in 1910 and a Bobby Bruin made by Merrythought in 1936.

The bear with Elvis connections was owned by English aristocrat Benjamin Slade, who bought it at an Elvis memorabilia auction in Memphis, Tenn., and had loaned it to the museum.
“I’ve spoken to the bear’s owner and he is not very pleased at all,” Medley said.
A security guard at the museum, Greg West, said he spent several minutes chasing Barney before wrestling the dog to the ground.

Oh wow. Where oh where do I start? Let's see: The man who owned the $75,000 Elvis teddy bear isn't happy. REALLY?!?! Please tell me you weren't surprised by that one. But who the hell pays $75,000 for a teddy bear anyway? and if you do, wouldn't you have it preserved in casing to prevent air (and evidently dogs...) from getting it? All fabric deteriorates over time when left vulnerable to air and bugs.

I'd also like to know why a collection worth nearly a million dollars wasn't behind glass? If you go to the link you see all of these teddy bears just sitting out. Okay, so teddy bears are cute and cuddly, but we're talking nearly a million damn dollars. It doesn't take much of a brainiac to figure out that they shouldn't be sitting out in the open.

As for the dog, HE'S A DOG! You leave out stuffed fuzzy things and he's gonna go "berzerk"! He was like a kid in a candy store, except he was a dog in a toy store. Have any of you ever known a dog that DIDN'T like to chew something that was stuffed? I'm sure he was just looking for the one that squeaked. Why should it surprise anyone that the dog did what dogs do?

Sounds like a bunch of imbeciles were in charge. But hey, that's just me.

I'm going to have a political moment.

Anyone who thinks that Israel should just accepted having Hezbollah cross the border, kidnap Israeli citizens and shell Israel (July 12, 2006) and NOT retaliate is a dumb-ass. Not to be redundant, with the term dumb-ass, but you are a world class DUMB-ASS. Or as my daughter would say, you're a dumb-o. Or in Sonia's words, you're an Ass Clown.

I am truly truly sorry for the loss of innocent life in Lebanon, but THEIR OWN GOVERNMENT is to blame. They willingly CHOSE Hezbollah over helping to retrieve INNOCENT people. They willingly CHOSE Hezbollah's shelling and attacking of Israel. Israel has no choice. They have to take out Hezbollah where they are. Unfortunately, they are hiding behind civilians...because terrorists are cowards! Either Israel goes after where missiles are being fired from, or they sit back and watched their own INNOCENT civilians die. Why isn't the world crying over the Israeli women and children that have been killed as a result of Hezbollah's numerous attack on them FROM LEBANON?

Wait, I know, because the killing of Jews in this world is perfectly acceptable. That's right. You see, Hitler should have exterminated them a long time ago, now we're just suppose to sit back and not only let it happen, but feel sorry for those who are killed when the Jews try to defend themselves.

Forgive me for being so obviously obtuse.

War sucks, I know this. Innocent people die, I know this too. Just don't forget who started this conflict though...and it WAS. NOT. Israel.

Let's see...

At 9:05 AM local time (04:05 UTC), on 12 July 2006, Hezbollah initiated a rocket and mortar attack on Israeli military positions and on the towns of Even Menahem and Mattat, injuring 11 soldiers and civilians. Afterwards, a ground contingent of Hezbollah militants attacked two Israeli armored Humvees on a routine patrol along the Israel-Lebanon border near the Israeli village of ZarÂ’it with anti-tank rockets, capturing two Israeli soldiers, and killing three, with a further five killed when a Tank hit a mine 6 km inside Lebanese territory.[1]

And why did this happen? Because Hezbollah wants the release of some Arab prisoners being held in Israel, specifically, the "Lebanese militant Samir Kuntar, jailed in Israel since a 1979 attack in the northern town of Nahariyah, in which he entered an apartment and murdered three family members and an Israeli police officer."

Lovely.

And those are the people you support when you say that Israel should back off.

Too many people are dumb-asses...Seriously

Alrighty then, let's go through this AGAIN for the terminally brain dead. Not every email you receive in you box is true or accurate. Just because there is a name and phone number at the bottom does not mean it is true. ANYONE could look up a name and number and add it to make it look official. You should check the shit out before you forward a bunch of lies to people.

Listen, if you do not know by now that gang members are NOT driving around without headlights on Friday and Saturday nights waiting to be flashed so they can hunt you down to kill you as an initiation YOU ARE AN IDIOT! Not only that, but if you actually used your head and thought for just one FRIGGING second you would say, "Hey, if that were true, it would be all over the news." Hmmmmmm, people, stop sitting on your brains and try using them.

As for Martin Luther King, yeah, some of that stuff is true, but just enough to make it look credible. The rest is a pack of lies. The place is called SNOPES. Try checking on the veracity of the shit you send out before you flood my email. Mkay?

And yes, McDonald's imports some of their meat. WHY? Because their demand cannot be filled by the American ranchers. They HAVE to buy from outside of the U.S. or else you won't be able you purchase heart attacks on a bun. And don't worry, you aren't eating WORM meat either!

You people who not only believe this crap, but send it out, need to be slapped.

You piss me off.

You're stupid.

Fuck off.

Several large trash bags.

That's what I will be taking to the dump and to donation. WHY? Excellent question! I asked my sons to clean their room. Without going into too much detail, that request was followed by 45 minutes of whining and complaining and arguing and fighting becasue no one wanted to clean the mess. When I was finally told to go inspect, stuff had been shoved into the corners, under chairs and in the closet. I think the topper though was when...

Bear, please sit down...

I walked to the other closet and found this brown stuff on the floor. What was it? Shit! It was dried shit! You see #4 has gotten into the habit of waiting until the very last minute to go to the bathroom and his shit fell out his pants all over the floor. In an attempt to clean it up without mom finding out, he rubbed it into the carpet.

No.
One.
Told.
Me.

And now it is dried and crusted in the carpet. I will do my best to get it out, Bear.

So, amid tears, they have to take EVERYTHING that is not in its place and throw it away. And there will be no more. They are now on lawn bag #4...

I. Am. Tired.

I am tired of being tired.

That said, I've not been in much of a mood to blog. I'm not much in the mood to read other people's blogs either. Truth is, I spend most of my day just trying to keep my eyes open.

I.
Need.
Someone.
To.
Buy.
My.
Other.
House.

Blah...blah...blah...

HEY! Did I tell y'all that I rode in and then drove a tractor?! Didn't think so. Here's a handy dandy picture.


We were pulling a brush hog (giant grass cutter for really tall weeds and hay...if you fall in, you're dead). Isn't it a nice purty red??? Real tractors are red. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. But no matter what color they are, I get tickled every time I see one driving down the road.

I need a goat. This is a Nubian goat. Isn't it cute??? Goats eat brush for you so you don't have to clear it out yourself. They eat thistles and thorny brush without hestitation. Cool. I've had several people tell me to get one goat with a long chain and then move the stake every few days to clean out all around my house and some of the brush under the trees in the fields that we couldn't bushhog. I think goats are cute. I wouldn't mind haven't one. I have a barn it could stay in when it got real cold. I could just stake her right in the middle and feed her during the winter. Yahhhhhh...I want a goat.

Alrighty, I'm gonna go make dinner before I fall asleep.

My altar...

A Day in the Life of Krystal in the Kountry

Children of the Corn

We have a corn field next to us. I was walking past it a few nights ago at late dusk when I thought to myself, "Hey, that corn is so high that someone could hide in it." Then I remembered that Stephen King story "Children of the Corn". It creeped me out. I had to force myself to keep my normal walking pace and convince myself that no one was going to jump out of the corn and chase me down with a scythe or sickle.

THE corn field of THE children

When I was safely past the corn field, I looked around at the dense trees and brush that now engulfed me. While walking between them in the now total darkness, I heard the night creatures rustling the grasses and leaves. A new thought came to me: Someone could have tracked me through the corn, ducked behind the barn and then darted into the woods right beside me!

Where the critters hide. At night it's creepy alone.

I start telling myself, "Stop being such a woman! Get it together!" Just then, as though on cue, a bat dive bombed my head! I kid you not! I covered myself with my arms, ducked and screamed.

I ran up the rest of that hill to my house and locked the door behind me.

The End

Who else does NOT know what the heck "prada" is???

What I do while IM-ing with a friend...

Things you should know:

1. When you're boiling eggs, if you forget they are there and let all of the water boil away, the eggs will explode with a loud pop. This makes a mess. But it was so funny that the kids and I watched another explode.

2. If you feed a dog watermelon, they get diarrhea. This makes a mess. It is not fun to clean up. That's why I made the kids do it (HEY! They're the ones who fed the dog mellon in the first place.)

3. And this is what it looks like to drive behind a covered wagon:

So it's 5:30 in the morning and I'm at the computer. Why oh why would Miss Krystal be on the computer at this way too early time of day? Because of the new bed we bought.

It feels EXACTLY like a Tempur Pedic, but is better made and costs a lot less. AND IS JUST AS FIRM, which the lady assured me up one side and down the other that it is not. She said it felt NOTHING like a Tempur Pedic and that it was super ultra soft. NO WAY could this mattress be considered firm. Lying bitch! Anyway, there was this awesome review online and I checked up on the award they'd been given by the orthopedic association. Sounded like a good idea, and if I liked Tempur Pedics it would have been awesome because you save a nice chunk of money buying it directly from the manufacturer.

I. Will. Never. Do. That. Again.

They ask to give them 48 hours before deciding on whether or not you like the mattress. I've given them a full week. My back hurts like it always does on too firm of a mattress (BTW, three of the children described it as firm and my daughter described is as "hard"). I don't know how on this planet people sleep on firm mattresses! I went to bed a little after midnight last night. Between then and about 5:15 this morning I woke up NINE TIMES with an appendage "asleep" and tingling or a severe aching shoulder (all caused from pressure points from a firm bed). The last two times I had buzzing in my head to go with the asleep arm, leg, aching shoulder, whatever. That's an average of once every 38 minutes. And of course I have to find another position and wait for my limb to stop tingling or the ache to subside before falling back to sleep, so it isn't like I actually slept for 38 minutes inbetween. This can only happen with pressure points, which aren't suppose to exist on memory foam types of beds.

Anyway, it's been a week and it is getting worse instead of better as time goes by.

Today I will have to go out and find a twin sized mattress to fit into our bedroom next to the king sized bed that I'd like to douse with lighter fluid and throw a match on (after hauling it outside of course so the entire house didn't go up in flames). I swear to you, I slept better on the blow up Aero mattress than I do on this super firm POS.

Soft my ass! As compared to what? CONCRETE?!?!

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

I sure miss you,

And it doesn't hurt any less

the longer you're gone.

My heart still aches

and I still cry,

for you.

I would like to know G-d's purpose for chiggers. Anyone? I have them...on the sides of my breasts and under my breasts. I suppose that's better than my crotch.

OH! Like the sunburn? Ain't it purdy??? Just another reason for me to play with my own tits...I mean scratch my breasts uncontrollably. I'm just really grateful that I chose to go to the lake to sunbath instead of laying out topless in my backyard like I had considered.

For those who are cocking your head sideways in confused, that is my cleavage. I know that many of you are use to the purky breasts of women who have not had children or the purky breasts of women who have been sucked, tucked and stuffed. I do not fall into either of those categories. My once "bodacious ta-ta's" (as they were called in high school) have sustained five little lives for a combined six years of breast feeding. That makes them bodacious in a different kind a way...a way that says purky breasts are NOT the end all.

And of course I don't have to worry about a stray needle popping one of them either.

Anyone remember those old Idaho Potato commercials? Well, for some reason, "Heigh-ho, I'm from Idaho!" popped into my head a few minutes ago. Then I happened to think how poorly the same one-liner would go over today: "Hey, Ho! I'm from Idaho!" First, calling people a "Ho" these days isn't too bright. Second, who gives a rat's ass where you're from? Just a random thought from a chigger ridden, sun baked brain.

My dog has gas. I. Think. I. Might. Get. Sick.

Bear's been here... Krystal did a very good thing for him last night...well a few good things for him last night...

My work here is finished.

Squirrel goes berserk at church

A Day in the Life of Krystal in the KountryThis is a woodchuck, AKA a groundhog.

So why am I posting a picture of one? Because I had one of these suckers run out in front of my van yesterday afternoon. I screamed and slammed my breaks! The cute little guy ran under the van between the front and back axles (while it was still moving) and made it through to the other side UNSCATHED. He was a quick li'l critter!

Of course, I wasn't sure if he was alright or not immediately. I didn't see a smooshed corpse in the road, but for all I knew the cuddly little thing made it across the road and then dropped dead of a heart attack upon reaching his destination. Or maybe I just hit part of him and he was able to make it across the country road through shear momentum. I had to make sure, for peace of mind you know. I didn't want the guilt of taking this brown fuzz ball's life for no reason. I don't mind killing an animal for food. That's okay. However, killing an animal and leaving it is not okay. I really REALLY wanted this animal to not be hurt. I wasn't in the mood to scoop up roadkill, I don't know how to skin a woodchuck, and I have no recipes for Road Kill Stew. So I made a five-point-turn (that's what it takes in a gas-guzzling vehicle like mine on a back country road) so I could check. I didn't see him anywhere. So now I'm driving a ways in the opposite direction I need to go in so I could find an area of road that's straight and not curving and isn't between hills so I could turn around again without fear of being rammed by a speeding pick up truck, of which there are plenty.

And most of them are red.

Eventually I found a place to turn my vehicle around. I was totally THRILLED upon my return to find the sweet thing eating on the side of the road. The groundhog was fine. WHEW! I really needed to know that or else I would have worried all night about the poor thing. He was so adorable! He did take off once he recognized my huge mammoth mode of transportation coming back at him. I guess he figured that The Thing almost got him once and he wasn't taking another chance at "Crossing the Road Russian Roulette". THE THING is a formidable opponent (or so the tale goes with the lovable fury woodland creatures). I was happy to watch him run off into the woods nearby knowing he was going to be okay.

I truly hope that your day is a little brighter now that I've shared a wee bit of joy from A Day in the Life of Krystal in the Kountry.

What's wrong with Mr. & Mrs. Smith???

Why am I bringing this up? For two reasons: First, I almost died a couple weeks ago when my son called our minister by his first name. Second, people wonder why today's youth has a respect issue when it comes to adults. Well hell! Maybe it's because they call us by our first names! That puts us on the same level. DUUUUUUHHHH! It's not frigging rocket science here.

Growing up I called adults by their last name. It showed respect. My best friend's parents were Mr. and Mrs. "Smith" until I was THIRTY. I want to know what is wrong with that? Why am I "Miss Krystal" instead of "Mrs. Kelly" to a five-year-old? I even had a neighbor once tell my children to call her by her first name ONLY. Uh, NO! My children were instructed that at no time were they ever to call an adult by their first name alone...EVER. People say, "Oh, they need to feel comfortable with you." No, they need to remember that they are FIVE and I am NOT their little friend. I'm an adult and they are NOT on my level.

Children do not need to call adults by their first names to have some sort of "feeling" for adults anyway. I never did, and I had several adults that I felt really comfortable with. Now, we had a few friends who were like family to us. They were "Aunt" and "Uncle" So-n-So. But I NEVER called any of my parent's friends of my friend's parents by their first names. Besides that, I don't think that it's smart to let a my son's teenage friends feel "comfortable" with me as an adult anyway. I want them to have a certain fear and respect for me. AND I want them to know that if there is a problem, I'm not their little buddy, I'm an adult and I can handle the situation.

I don't particularily like being "Miss Krystal". I should be "MRS. KELLY". And I want to know what the problem is with that. Because I don't see one.

Because the Diva requested it...

Your Stripper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails "You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I?ve got no Soul to tell" When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Because Sonia requested it...

Ten of life's simple pleasures.

1. Being held in my Bear's arms.

2. Making love to my Bear.

3. Dancing for my Bear.

4. Holding my babies.

5. Feeling my babies kick when they were still inside me.

6. Breastfeeding.

7. Being nekid.

8. Holding a pet.

9. Walking in untouched nature.

10. Eating in food someone else cooked knowing that someone else will clean it up.

I need help...

I need suggestions of amazingly seductive and sexy music to strip to. I'm looking for songs along the lines of Those Shoes (The Eagles), Reefer Head Woman (Aerosmith) and Dazed and Confused (Led Zeppelin). If you have any suggestions, please let me know. If you aren't familiar with these, you can find them at Barnes and Noble.

Thank-you!

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 60%

Gluttony: 20%

Sloth: 20%

Envy: 0%

Greed: 0%

Pride: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You'll die of a yet to be discovered STD.

How Sinful Are You?

That was fun.

Alrighty then...someone explain how I can live in a place where people own horses like most of the country owns dogs, and yet there is NOT a country-western wear store within a two hour radius? Someone explain that irritating fact to me. Even more absurd is that in Ft. Lauderdale, I could have found a dozen within an hour's drive.

I was hit on while Bear was visiting. This is riveting...

He Says: Nice hat.

I Say: Thank-you.

He Says: Do you like country music?

I Think: Let's see, blue jeans, cowboy hat, cowboy boots, you're a fucking brain.

I Say: Yes, I do.

He Says (with a nod of the head, a semi-wink and half smile): Ever hear of the song, "Save a horse. Ride a coooow-booooy"?

I Say: Yes.

He Says: Where you from?

I Say: The Mall. With my husband and five children.

***Now let me tell you, the husband part doesn't always work, but the five children part can cool even Clinton's jets.***

He Says: Well that's nice. Real nice. You have a good evening then.

I Say: Thank-you.

A startling discovery!

I was up late Saturday with insomnia so I watched Talk Sex with Dr. Drew. Cuz hell, the bed is empty, why go? Anyway, they had this woman on who had plastic surgery on her vajayjay. Who knew this was done? I must admit, my interest was peaked. It's true. Women all over the country are having plastic surgery on their cooters. Here you can see the before and after pictures of vaginoplasty. Here you can see before and after shots of labiaplasty.

Of course, having had five children, I began to wonder. Is my cooter shot, too? Surely my kitty doesn't look like THOSE...things!

I am pleased as punch to report, that with the help of my handy-dandy hand held mirror, I can confirm that MY kitty doesn't look ANYTHING like those before shots. I have a pretty kitty that looks amazingly like the after shots. That's because I live for keigels. Lucky Bear!

I'm going to bed now. Kisses to you all!

Some friends of Bear's and mine, that we knew in Florida, invited us to a cookout last night. Her parents have a lakehouse just fifteen minutes away. We had fun, ate hot dogs, roasted marshmallows in a bon fire next to the Lake. It was nice to see them again.

I had a dream last night about my Daddy. He's never in my dreams. I wish he were. I dream about him and his things. Last night he had died. There was an office with his things in it were I could go there to see them. I just wanted to see his handwriting. I go in and they were cleaning it out. They had his filing cabinet with his handwritten tags in the slots and the drawers were falling open for me. I reached forward and pressed the lock button to keep the drawers and everything all inside. Then I suddenly realize that I don't have a key to open Daddy's precious filing cabinet. I woke up crying.

Now I have a serious headache.

The observants ones would have already noticed that I've changed my picture. Yes, I have a bit of exhibitionist in me. I'd probably post the really awesome nude shot of me, but Fred might go blind and Bear would be...well...a lot less than happy.

***But I have this most AMAZING shot by the fire place.***

Over 4,000 visits ...

I *AM* loved!!!

Krystal got laid last night!!!

It is indeed time for celebration. We went on last night for two entire uninterrupted hours. See, Bear snuck in and I already had the kids tucked up in bed and they didn't know Daddy was coming. He snuck up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and yessssssss, Daddy was home. And Mommy's REEEEEEEEAAAAAALLLLLL happy!

Make up sex is great, but this we've-been-apart-too-fucking-long sex is just in a class by itself. We're talking multiples here, people. Amazing, wonderful, huge, repetitive multiples.

Yeah, my Bear is home until Wednesday and we have lost time to make up for. Lots and lots of lost time...

Donations of new unused condoms still in their wrappers may be sent to:

Bear and Krystal
#69 Bend Over Drive
Do Me Now, Kentucky 69069

This post is dedicated to The Blog Whore, who appears to have the same mother I do. I say we sends these lyrics on over to our mothers, babe! The name of the song is "Get Over It" and it's by my favorite band, the ~E~A~G~L~E~S...


I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin' 'Don't blame me'
They point their crooked little fingers ar everybody else
Spend all their time feelin' sorry for themselves
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma's too thin; your daddy's too fat

Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin' and cryin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

You say you haven't been the same since you had your little crash
But you might feel better if I gave you some cash
The more I think about it, Old Billy was right
Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight
You don't want to work, you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn't owe you a thing

Get over it
Get over it
If you don't want to play, then you might as well split
Get over it, Get over it

It's like going to confession every time I hear you speak
You're makin' the most of your losin' streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I'd like to find your inner child and kick its little ass

Get over it
Get over it
All this bitchin' and moanin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it