My daughter took a pair of scissors to her hair and cut her bangs and the side of her hair to the scalp. I tell Bear and asks if I can even it out. No, I can't because there's nothing TOO even out.

This is the third time she's done this in three years, and the worse! I spanked her butt (which I hadn't done before), I told her she looked like a stupid idiot (which she does...you should have seen the looks we were getting at the store when I had to go), and she's grounded from the television until it grows out. I told her to have a fun two months. I didn't buy her the baby stroller I was going to get her and I'm not taking her for ice cream tomorrow either. In fact, I'm not taking her anyway I don't absolutely HAVE to until she no longer looks like she does.

And for those of you laughing, go screw yourselves!

Finally!
I love Jason Whitlock!
He so speaks the truth!

Watch the videos. I couldn't have said any of this better myself. MLK would be proud!!!

Of course Snoop Dog is taking total offense to what Imus said and to being compared to Imus:

"[Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We're talking about ho's that's in the 'hood that ain't doing sh--, that's trying to get a n---a for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain't no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC."

So, according to Snoop Dog, it's okay to use the term "ho" when you are referring to females in "the hood", but not once they pursue an education (which he himself so desperately needs). So Imus's real mistake here wasn't in using the term "ho" but in HOW he used it. Thanks for the 4-1-1 Snoop. It's all clear to me now.

Oh, and while you're at it, Snoop, could you give some clarification about when the term "n---a" is an appropriate term and when it's not. Since you and your ilk, and those who purchase that crap you record, have proven its use is more than acceptable, you should give instances and situations when the rednecks around here can use it. I wouldn't want anyone to add it to their repertoire of socially acceptable slang without their first being informed of when it should and shouldn't be used. After all a "n---a" must still be a "n---a" no matter who's doing the identification, right?

I love his description of Imus, "old-ass white man". The term is Caucassion, "old-ass Caucassion man," thank-you. Unless of course the "old-ass white man" gets to call you a "dumb-ass black man," which I don't think you'd appreciate, even if it is true. You are a dumb-ass who is making money from the degredation of your own race. Impressive. May I breathe the air you breathe?

Please note the dripping sarcasm. And for the record, Imus did a stupid, stupid thing.

So I bought a used Bananarama CD (kiss my arse, people) and as a result I was in the kitchen singing, "I'm your Venus, I'm your fire at your desire." I was dancing around while measuring out my food (more on that in a sec) when my five-year-old daughter comes out and says, "That's gross what you said!" I say, "HUH?!" She replies, "You said, 'I'm your penis!'".

So I told her that no, Momma said VE-nus. Then when she left the room I laughed hysterical with my 14 & 11 year-old sons.

I put on my bathing suit. I have no arse. It has melted into my thighs. As I emailed a very good friend of mine, I am amazed at the amount of cellulite and fat that amassed on my ass during my winter hibernation. I must go now and do 1,000 squats and 1,000 lunges.

I am "to snack cakes, what Einstein was to nuclear physics" declared my bear on Friday. You see, another friend of mine had back surgery (her second in three weeks) and was on super drugs (she doesn't share well). The Xanax makes her crave chocolate. So off I was on the way to get her Ho-Ho's and brownie mix (she wanted the batter, not the actually brownies). So in the car on the phone with Bear I say that Ho-Ho's and Swiss Cake Rolls were the same. He had the audacity to say I. Was. Wrong.

We were discussing snack cakes. Saying *I* don't know what Swiss Cakes Rolls are is like saying Clinton didn't have sex with that woman (need another cigar there, Billy Boy?).

So after about five minutes Bear gets on the net. "Uh-oh" he says. He actually said uh-oh. HE had confused Swiss Cake Rolls with Zebra Cakes...two totally different beasts: Swiss Cake Rolls are chocolate cake rolled up with creamy filling and coating in chocolate...like Ho-Ho's, while Zebra Cakes are two layers of yellow cake with cream in between that are covered in WHITE coating with some chocolate lines on top (thus the name ZEBRA Cakes). They also have a salty sweet taste to them while Swiss Cakes Rolls are just plain sweet.

My knowledge of snack cakes is not to be questioned. Herein lies the reason my arse has melted into my thighs.

I've come up with a snazzy new nick-name for Bear's dog. Seeing how he's constantly getting out into the mud and getting burs stuck in his long thick fur which then TOTALLY mats up, I've decided to call him Nappy Headed Ho Dog. I realize that "ho" isn't typically used for males, BUT I've decided it works for this dog. Besides, once we get his balls cut off he'll be an it anyway SO it won't matter.

He doesn't appear to be traumatized by this new term of endearment which is a good thing. I wouldn't want to have Animal Planet or the Dog Whisperer get pissed off.

Till next time...

Soooo, Larry Birkhead IS the father of Anna Nicole's baby. And I guess her lawyer common law husband is surprised by this because he thought that he was the only man she was doing...?

Anyone else see this coming from a mile away?

Now Howard wants to be a part of her life no matter what because he was closest to Anna Nicole and wants to make sure the Dannielynn will have a good view of her mother. Well, and maybe it's just me, but I think that when she finds out that more than one man filed for testing to see if they were the father, and one man had to get court orders in two states and two countries for testing... When she finds out that her mother did all she could to prevent such testing claiming that Howard was the biological father and ONLY possible father...and yet he's not... Well, I think she's gonna know. Add the Playboy thing AND the marriage to the billionare old enough to be her great grandfather AND the drugged out show she did AND her party life AND her death to a drug overdose... Let's just say that Howard is going to be fighting an uphill battle to prevent this little girl from having certain views about her mom. He said he wants Anna Nicole remembered as a Marilyn Monroe figure. Never. Gonna. Happen.

I'm not judging Anna Nicole; her life WAS tumultuous to say the least. I'm just saying that this little girl isn't going to "know" her mom based on what Howard tells her, but on the history which was her mother's life.

I guess that's a lesson that we could all take to heart.

Here's a quiz from the Diva. I will have to say that it is completely and totally accurate until the last two lines. Those are the ONLY lines that doesn't fit me to a perfect T.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Sorry. I've had writer's block.

BUT...

I did take one of those online IQ tests. Here are my results:

The Classic IQ Test
What's Your IQ?

Congratulations, Krystal!
Your IQ score is 142

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns. And that's just some of what we know about you from your IQ results.

Maybe I'll post the full report when they email it to me. LOL!

HEY! My cat is pregnant. Now who wants a kitten in the mail?

I woke up this morning to not one...
not two...
but FIVE

piles of dog crap on the office floor (the office is the front part of our bedroom).

Let's hope that the day gets better from here.

It's so nice to have been missed!

Two words: Whooping Cough

Evidently, that is what I had in January. Remember how sick I was? For two weeks it was just horrible!!! Then that cough lasted really bad until the middle of February. Now it's nearly extinct, but still there.

Apparantly I gave it to my children...all of them..., whom I sure have passed it on to all of their friends during their first four weeks of illness while the doctors tried to figure out what it was that they had. They've all been on Z-Pack and are no longer contagious...BUT...the cough may last for up to six months. Thank heavens for Nyquil night time cough and Musinex.

We have new baby chicks!

Aren't they simply adorable???!!! I'm planning on getting more on Friday (different kind of course).

School is almost O-V-E-R! I'm so ecstatic! I truly miss homeschooling my children and having them around. I don't know what all we're going to do over the summer, but I plan on having fun while we do it. I know that we will be going back to the Friday night drive-in starting in just a couple weeks!!!

Has anyone else seen the new Ford Sport Trac?! I saw one today for the first time. The pictures at the Ford website are shot at angles to make it look really cool.

It's not.

It looks like they took an SUV and chopped off the back third and made it into a truck wanna be. It is absolutely one of THE most STUPID looking things I have ever seen. It is an absolute insult to the entire pick-up driving world. The flat bed is so damned small. Seriously, I was looking at this THING and thinking to myself, "Hey, mista! Whad ya gonna haul in that there truck of yours? A Hi-Fi and a speaker?!" BAH!

There are certain things in this life wherein size matters: pick-up trucks and penises, for example. A small "truck", like a small penis, is cute to look at. But when all is said and done, they're worthless for anything other than a good laugh (laughing AT you...not WITH you).

Krystal out.

Happy Anniversary to us!
Happy Anniversary to us!
Happy Anniversary to the Bitch and Bear!
Happy Anniversary to us!

In honor of our anniversary, and in happy recollection of what I've been getting the last couple days, I declare that "Bear" shall henceforth be known on my blog as "The Well Hung One" (T-WHO for short...which he most definitely is not). After fifteen years of marriage (and nearly seventeen years of sexual engagement), the man still totally rocks my world, and makes me purr like a kitten afterwards.

He has ruined me for all other men.

Thank-you, The Well Hung One, for taking your time to do it right...each...and...every...time...!

Thank-you for the birthday wishes. Bear arrived today and tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary. YEAH!!!

Okay...gonna go hang with the familia.

Smooches!

Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday, Sexy Krystal!
Happy birthday to me!

Brittney Spears shaved her head. She sat in her car crying. Then she went into a beauty shop and shaved her head.

And then she got a tatoo.

The girl needs help. The girl needs serious help. Personally, I think that she had to shave her head because of the drugs she's been doing. I bet a dollar to a dime that her drug use has been brought up in the custody battle for her boys and that she shaved her head so they couldn't get a hair sample from her to test for recent drug use over the last several months.

Or she's on crack.

Nicole Ritchie may be going to jail for 3-12 months. I don't know why, I didn't read the article. But I do know that it isn't for stealing a Big Mac, large fries and a coke.

i
am
so
trashed

As if mouse killer wasn't bad enough...

I closed the door leading out from the walk-out basement last Tuesday morning. I know I did. But you see, the door doesn't catch well. That's why I always tell the kids you HAVE to latch it because the wind blows it open.

I went to feed the chickens and gather the eggs, but I went back into the house from the side of the house. I really intended to run right down stairs to the door, but the phone rang and my daughter was hungry.

I went downstairs to change the laundry when I saw the open door. OMG! THE RABBIT!!! The rabbit was gone. I looked all over the basement praying she was hiding. She wasn't. I looked all around the backyard. Couldn't find her. So I left the door open hoping she'd hop back in like she did the couple times she got out on the kids.

I ran upstairs with the laundry basket when the electric company lady showed up to read the meter. The little 7 lb yipper wouldn't stop barking at her, so I went outside.

That's when I saw it.

Kaitlyn the dog was EATING Patches the rabbit.

I yelled at Kaitlyn to drop the rabbit, but it was too later. She'd already ripped her head off. I chased her down yelling at her to drop it because we don't...eat...family...members! The electric company woman said she thought the rabbit was awful pretty to had been a wild rabbit.

I picked Patches up by the foot. The electric company lady had a plastic bag. I put the bunny in it. I looked for the head for about half an hour. I figure Kaitlyn already ate it. It still hasn't shown up so I guess she did.

I didn't tell the kids Patches became dog food. They just think she ran around. I told them to keep an eye out for little brown bunnies because I was just sure that Patches would find a boyfriend and they'd make lots of pretty little bunnies. I know it's lying, but how do you tell your children that their rabbit is dead because you left the door open and the dog was hungry?!

So now I am not only a killer of mice, but evidently I am a a killer of rabbits as well.

Mice, Mousetraps and my Defective Cat

Ralph the Mouse was a field mouse that took up residence in the boys' bedroom upstairs. He use to sniff my eldest son's toes at night sometimes. Last night I found out about Ralph. Ralph the Mouse is now dead. No more motorcycle rides for Ralph. He met his demise in a wooden mouse trap baited with peanut butter. I took his body out of the trap and flung him into the woods by his tail. Touching dead mice doesn't bother me. I'm sure he'll be eaten by morning. Then I reset the trap just in case Ralph has family here.

I would not have had to been the bad guy who killed Ralph the Mouse if the Defective Cat would catch mice instead of watching them run by. That is why I got a cat, to catch the field mice that try to move in my house. But my cat is defective. She prefers to jump up on my countertop, rip open the bread, and eat the the crust. She likes bread. She is stupid.

And now, I am a mouse killer.

Gumball Immigration

We have been sick.

My baby girl had fevers of 104.7 and 104.9. Those were fun. The boys never went about 103.7. They're fine now. But I've also been sick. I'm hacking up green globs of slime. What doesn't come up after boughts of coughing and hacking comes out my nose. It's been going on for a week. Now I blow my nose and there are globs of slime mixed with pools of blood from the broken blood vessels in my sinuses. Sometimes it's all just bloody and slimey. It's truly nasty.

And I had to share.

I'm taking a antihistamine ever 12 hours, or sooner if I think I need it. The directions say every 24 hours, but I need the green slime to dry up and go away. I may be damaging my liver, but I must rid myself of the slime. It's nasty.

Sudafed doesn't work. I went to the pharmacy window and showed them my ID, like a comman criminal, so the government can keep track of how much I purchase. They want to make sure I'm not using it for crystal meth and block me from purchasing more than two packages a month. Screw the government! They use bleach in crystal meth as well, but I don't have to show my ID for that now am I told that I can only have two bottles a month. I have a house full of sick people. We. Need. Drugs.

Sudafed isn't working anyway. Nyquil appears to be the magic cure. LONG LIVE NYQUIL!!!! And I take it every six hours like the package says, day and night, because it helps me breath.

I should come up with some way to make something illegal out of Nyquil.

Long time, no personal blogging. I know, and I apologize. It was nice coming up and finding accumulated comments from the last week or so. Hope you all had a LOVELY holiday season!

Anyone ever see that movie Mousehunt? Well, I have a relative to that mouse in my laundry room. It's not evil, just smart. I've set several traps and the little guy keeps setting them off and then stealing the bait and escaping unscathed.

We have a cat.

She's stupid.

She WATCHES the mouse instead of CATCHING the mouse.

So I have this little brown field mouse (cute actually) living in my laundry room leaving little mouse droppings along the baseboards. Such fun.

In the news...Paris Hilton ran out of gas on the side of the road. She "forgot" she needed gas. She's never pumped gas in her life. Do you think she knows what an idiot she is, or is she truly just THAT stupid? I mean REALLY. She borders on retarded. In no way is that meant as an insult to other retarded people. It's just that, WOW, could this girl survive on her own? I know that there are girls that are spoiled, like Nicole Richie. But something inside tells me that Nicole has it inside her to steel herself up and survive...if she can remember to eat. But Paris, I think she'd die of dehydration trying to figure out how to get water out of a lake.

She does have one talent, she knows how to have sex...with anyone....on videotape. Her parents must be so proud.

Gators won the National Championship! Word up, BEAR!

We are expecting again. No, not me, my dog. You see, my husband's mixed breed mutt that was dumped at the barn knocked up my BEAUTIFUL pure-bred with papers, whose puppies are worth $1,000 each. Now her puppies are worthless and I'll have to BEG people to take them. I was doing really well at keeping them apart because I knew she was going into heat soon. Unfortunately one of the kids let them out at the same time and I found them locked up on my back porch. Her bleeding stopped immediately, which means it probably took and we are probably going to have puppies.

I'm. Keeping. One. Of. Them.

So today is the first day of my son no longer attending public school. Tomorrow we're suppose to go check out the private school around the corner. With a $330 curriculum fee and $265/month tuition, I'm thinking that the chances of his homeschooling are pretty damned high. So here's my delima: Who the hell starts homeschooling in the middle of the year??? I pretty much will have to start with day #1 since we use a different curriculum which builds on each previous unit.

Sounds like fun.

To be totally honest, I've grown accustomed to having my day pretty much to myself, asside from the two hours I spend doing K with my youngest. Now my days will be dictated by homeschooling again. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed teaching my children at home, but having had the taste of freedom, it's a bit harder to get back to.

Of course sending him to private school has it's issues as well. For example, there's no bus. That means that I have to drop him off and pick him up every day. I won't be able to spend the day in my PJ's and I won't be able to run a little long on my afternoon errands because there's no bus dropping him off at the end of the street anymore.

And I've been told that these people can be a bit religiously fanatical. I can deal with that I guess.

I just hope that he doesn't go to school and start using the "F", "A" or "B" words which he's been saying around his younger brothers. Maybe we'll just say he has Terrets as well and can't help it.

I wish I had never put my children in public school at all (except for the eldest who wants to attend the regular high school). It's a lot easier to keep on doing than it is to stop and then restart. Seriously, I've no idea how to start homeschooling in the middle of the year like this.

I need to think...

and that isn't exactly my forte...

I'd like to take this moment to remember President Gerald R. Ford who passed away on the 26th. He was the oldest living American President. He passed away at age 93, as did Reagan. Ford beat Reagan's age by just one month. He was also the only President in American history to have not been elected.

Ford had several honors bestowed upon him. You may read about them here. It is a wonderful tribute and I encourage you all to read it, especially if you are an American. It is a sad time in our country when one of its highest leaders passes away. I believe that it is incumbant upon us all to set asside politics when one of our leaders breath their last, and to pay them the respect they deserve. Please take just one moment in your day to honor President Ford.

I'd like to close this post with a quote from Ford made immediately after at his swearing in. I believe that it embodies the man himself:

"I am acutely aware that you have not elected me as your president by your ballots. So I ask you to confirm me with your prayers."

Rest in peace, Mr. President.