Thank-you for the birthday wishes. Bear arrived today and tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary. YEAH!!!

Okay...gonna go hang with the familia.

Smooches!

Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday, Sexy Krystal!
Happy birthday to me!

Brittney Spears shaved her head. She sat in her car crying. Then she went into a beauty shop and shaved her head.

And then she got a tatoo.

The girl needs help. The girl needs serious help. Personally, I think that she had to shave her head because of the drugs she's been doing. I bet a dollar to a dime that her drug use has been brought up in the custody battle for her boys and that she shaved her head so they couldn't get a hair sample from her to test for recent drug use over the last several months.

Or she's on crack.

Nicole Ritchie may be going to jail for 3-12 months. I don't know why, I didn't read the article. But I do know that it isn't for stealing a Big Mac, large fries and a coke.

i
am
so
trashed

As if mouse killer wasn't bad enough...

I closed the door leading out from the walk-out basement last Tuesday morning. I know I did. But you see, the door doesn't catch well. That's why I always tell the kids you HAVE to latch it because the wind blows it open.

I went to feed the chickens and gather the eggs, but I went back into the house from the side of the house. I really intended to run right down stairs to the door, but the phone rang and my daughter was hungry.

I went downstairs to change the laundry when I saw the open door. OMG! THE RABBIT!!! The rabbit was gone. I looked all over the basement praying she was hiding. She wasn't. I looked all around the backyard. Couldn't find her. So I left the door open hoping she'd hop back in like she did the couple times she got out on the kids.

I ran upstairs with the laundry basket when the electric company lady showed up to read the meter. The little 7 lb yipper wouldn't stop barking at her, so I went outside.

That's when I saw it.

Kaitlyn the dog was EATING Patches the rabbit.

I yelled at Kaitlyn to drop the rabbit, but it was too later. She'd already ripped her head off. I chased her down yelling at her to drop it because we don't...eat...family...members! The electric company woman said she thought the rabbit was awful pretty to had been a wild rabbit.

I picked Patches up by the foot. The electric company lady had a plastic bag. I put the bunny in it. I looked for the head for about half an hour. I figure Kaitlyn already ate it. It still hasn't shown up so I guess she did.

I didn't tell the kids Patches became dog food. They just think she ran around. I told them to keep an eye out for little brown bunnies because I was just sure that Patches would find a boyfriend and they'd make lots of pretty little bunnies. I know it's lying, but how do you tell your children that their rabbit is dead because you left the door open and the dog was hungry?!

So now I am not only a killer of mice, but evidently I am a a killer of rabbits as well.

Mice, Mousetraps and my Defective Cat

Ralph the Mouse was a field mouse that took up residence in the boys' bedroom upstairs. He use to sniff my eldest son's toes at night sometimes. Last night I found out about Ralph. Ralph the Mouse is now dead. No more motorcycle rides for Ralph. He met his demise in a wooden mouse trap baited with peanut butter. I took his body out of the trap and flung him into the woods by his tail. Touching dead mice doesn't bother me. I'm sure he'll be eaten by morning. Then I reset the trap just in case Ralph has family here.

I would not have had to been the bad guy who killed Ralph the Mouse if the Defective Cat would catch mice instead of watching them run by. That is why I got a cat, to catch the field mice that try to move in my house. But my cat is defective. She prefers to jump up on my countertop, rip open the bread, and eat the the crust. She likes bread. She is stupid.

And now, I am a mouse killer.

Gumball Immigration

We have been sick.

My baby girl had fevers of 104.7 and 104.9. Those were fun. The boys never went about 103.7. They're fine now. But I've also been sick. I'm hacking up green globs of slime. What doesn't come up after boughts of coughing and hacking comes out my nose. It's been going on for a week. Now I blow my nose and there are globs of slime mixed with pools of blood from the broken blood vessels in my sinuses. Sometimes it's all just bloody and slimey. It's truly nasty.

And I had to share.

I'm taking a antihistamine ever 12 hours, or sooner if I think I need it. The directions say every 24 hours, but I need the green slime to dry up and go away. I may be damaging my liver, but I must rid myself of the slime. It's nasty.

Sudafed doesn't work. I went to the pharmacy window and showed them my ID, like a comman criminal, so the government can keep track of how much I purchase. They want to make sure I'm not using it for crystal meth and block me from purchasing more than two packages a month. Screw the government! They use bleach in crystal meth as well, but I don't have to show my ID for that now am I told that I can only have two bottles a month. I have a house full of sick people. We. Need. Drugs.

Sudafed isn't working anyway. Nyquil appears to be the magic cure. LONG LIVE NYQUIL!!!! And I take it every six hours like the package says, day and night, because it helps me breath.

I should come up with some way to make something illegal out of Nyquil.

Long time, no personal blogging. I know, and I apologize. It was nice coming up and finding accumulated comments from the last week or so. Hope you all had a LOVELY holiday season!

Anyone ever see that movie Mousehunt? Well, I have a relative to that mouse in my laundry room. It's not evil, just smart. I've set several traps and the little guy keeps setting them off and then stealing the bait and escaping unscathed.

We have a cat.

She's stupid.

She WATCHES the mouse instead of CATCHING the mouse.

So I have this little brown field mouse (cute actually) living in my laundry room leaving little mouse droppings along the baseboards. Such fun.

In the news...Paris Hilton ran out of gas on the side of the road. She "forgot" she needed gas. She's never pumped gas in her life. Do you think she knows what an idiot she is, or is she truly just THAT stupid? I mean REALLY. She borders on retarded. In no way is that meant as an insult to other retarded people. It's just that, WOW, could this girl survive on her own? I know that there are girls that are spoiled, like Nicole Richie. But something inside tells me that Nicole has it inside her to steel herself up and survive...if she can remember to eat. But Paris, I think she'd die of dehydration trying to figure out how to get water out of a lake.

She does have one talent, she knows how to have sex...with anyone....on videotape. Her parents must be so proud.

Gators won the National Championship! Word up, BEAR!

We are expecting again. No, not me, my dog. You see, my husband's mixed breed mutt that was dumped at the barn knocked up my BEAUTIFUL pure-bred with papers, whose puppies are worth $1,000 each. Now her puppies are worthless and I'll have to BEG people to take them. I was doing really well at keeping them apart because I knew she was going into heat soon. Unfortunately one of the kids let them out at the same time and I found them locked up on my back porch. Her bleeding stopped immediately, which means it probably took and we are probably going to have puppies.

I'm. Keeping. One. Of. Them.

So today is the first day of my son no longer attending public school. Tomorrow we're suppose to go check out the private school around the corner. With a $330 curriculum fee and $265/month tuition, I'm thinking that the chances of his homeschooling are pretty damned high. So here's my delima: Who the hell starts homeschooling in the middle of the year??? I pretty much will have to start with day #1 since we use a different curriculum which builds on each previous unit.

Sounds like fun.

To be totally honest, I've grown accustomed to having my day pretty much to myself, asside from the two hours I spend doing K with my youngest. Now my days will be dictated by homeschooling again. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed teaching my children at home, but having had the taste of freedom, it's a bit harder to get back to.

Of course sending him to private school has it's issues as well. For example, there's no bus. That means that I have to drop him off and pick him up every day. I won't be able to spend the day in my PJ's and I won't be able to run a little long on my afternoon errands because there's no bus dropping him off at the end of the street anymore.

And I've been told that these people can be a bit religiously fanatical. I can deal with that I guess.

I just hope that he doesn't go to school and start using the "F", "A" or "B" words which he's been saying around his younger brothers. Maybe we'll just say he has Terrets as well and can't help it.

I wish I had never put my children in public school at all (except for the eldest who wants to attend the regular high school). It's a lot easier to keep on doing than it is to stop and then restart. Seriously, I've no idea how to start homeschooling in the middle of the year like this.

I need to think...

and that isn't exactly my forte...

I'd like to take this moment to remember President Gerald R. Ford who passed away on the 26th. He was the oldest living American President. He passed away at age 93, as did Reagan. Ford beat Reagan's age by just one month. He was also the only President in American history to have not been elected.

Ford had several honors bestowed upon him. You may read about them here. It is a wonderful tribute and I encourage you all to read it, especially if you are an American. It is a sad time in our country when one of its highest leaders passes away. I believe that it is incumbant upon us all to set asside politics when one of our leaders breath their last, and to pay them the respect they deserve. Please take just one moment in your day to honor President Ford.

I'd like to close this post with a quote from Ford made immediately after at his swearing in. I believe that it embodies the man himself:

"I am acutely aware that you have not elected me as your president by your ballots. So I ask you to confirm me with your prayers."

Rest in peace, Mr. President.

My husband and children are watching "A Christmas Story" on TBS. They will be showing it for 24 hours. I believe it is one of the most annoying and abonoxious movies ever made. It is it the one Christmas movie I flat out refuse to watch.

You can't have a BB gun...you'll shoot your eye out you freaking idiot! Now deal with life and MOVE ON already.

Then of course is the other idiot who gets his tongue stuck on a frozen post...and the whiney little brother I'd love to Just. Shoot.

On another note, we have a new family member...Her name is Goldie. She is half yellow lab, half golden retriever. Isn't she simply adorable???!!!

All of my Christmas gifts are wrapped... Just waiting for the kids to go to bed so I can put them all under the tree and go to bed. They're watching that stupid movie with my husband though, so I have to wait another hour and forty minutes. Oh hey...guess I'll take a Christmas soak in my tub. BIG SMILES there.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all of you!!!
Hope your day is full of love and joy!!!

At the risk of smashing to bits every ounce of coolness my reputation may have, I must admit that I am a Barry Manillow and Gloria Gaynor fan. I've been singing two of their songs throughout the day. First comes "I Will Survive" and then "Copa Cabana". In both of these songs the women's lives take a serious nosedive. Gloria goes on with passion about how she's going to survive it all. Lola, well, Lola winds up dressing in her old showgirl dress from twenty years previous and looses her mind.

Right now I can relate to both of those women.

Big shout out to Tuna's ex-teacher. Many thanks for targeting my baby and making his life so miserable that I had to withdraw him. Tossing him homework in the trash and giving him zero's for it instead? Two thumbs ups! Great teaching strategy!

And telling the class that my son fakes all of his medical issues on the day that he's having an MRI looking for a possible brain tumor to explain his seizure (you say he's not having). TERRIFIC example for the other children! I thank you for that one, too.

I really like the super sarcastic remarks you wrote on his homework packet (that you told the guidance counselor he didn't turn in). My autistic child was thrilled to have worked so hard to complete all seven sheets only to have to write, "Did you read the question?" and "Not a good answer!". Fred and I figured out how he came to those conclussions in a matter of seconds, and they both made perfect sense to us. But he's just a gay farmer and I'm an idiot stay at home mother. I'm sure we know shit.

But that doesn't hold a candle to you're berating him in front of the other children when he didn't understand things. That's EXACTLY what we should be teaching children. When a person with a disability can't perform at the same level of everyone else...berate them in front of their peers. It's fun!

What I'm most impressed with though, is that asside from being such an amazing school teacher, evidently you also hold a medical degree. I'm truly honored to be in the presence of a woman who can teach so magnificently, and THEN without ever seeing a report, can declare that my sons does NOT have OCD, impulse control, ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome or seizures, amoung other things. You can cut through all the bullshit and KNOW that he's faking it all.

How cool it must be to be you.

You are my idol.

I want to be like you.

Have a merry Christmas, and thanks for helping my son so tremendously. I will cherish you in my heart forever, as will my son as the rest of our family.

Peace out.

Just a few random thougths...

ANOTHER Rocky movie? Are they frigging serious???

My mother is coming to visit on Dec 26th. She is staying at a hotel. SEND. DRUGS. NOW. For me that is...

A tenth grade (slut whore cradle robber) girl on the bus told my either grader that his long hair made him look really hot. He is now wearing a flat top.

Too much homemade fudge makes your jeans too tight.

OH! And Bear will be here on the 21st! You know what that means....SEX! SEX!!! SEX!!!!! So send condoms with those drugs.

That's about all for now.

Texas Mosque Update!

Actually, one of my readers posted a very well written comment regarding her experience with having a religious organization open up down the road on her PREVIOUSLY quiet neighborhood. I thought it deserved sharing.

Ozfemme said...

We live in a relatively quiet (if you overlook my raucous squawking at the children) leafy peaceful area. Just down the road from here, some Bahai devotees took possession of an old shopfront and use it to worship on certain weeknights. That's cool. They're a peaceful, gentle mob and I quite like the basic priniciples of their faith. I just wish that after a peaceful, night's worshipping they could go peacefully to their cars (which they've blocked our driveway with at regular intervals) and depart as quietly as they can. No, not this mob. Once they're done with their peaceful and harmonious worshipping they're out there, all talking at the top of their voices at once, taking half an hour to say "See Ya" and slamming their car doors several times over each - or so it would seem. Perhaps it's part of their rituals? Then, just to top it off, they have to honk their car horns twice each as they depart, just in case there's someone in a 12km radius that isn't aware of the fact that they're going home and see you Thursday!!

My son is in the school rock band. He plays guitar and is soon acquiring a drum kit. We have a large garage down the back of the property which I will line with whatever sound proofing works the best. I've notified the neighbours and have set time limits on when Noise and his band members can make noise.

Guess who in the street has a problem with it?!

I'm tempted to schedule a rock band concert in my front yard one Thursday night from 7 - 10pm and invite everyone in town and make sure all the available parking space in the street is taken.

I'm a reasonable woman, you know.

Peace Out People!

Now see, like I said, the issue with the Mosque isn't anti-Muslim. It's anti-"noise and confussion in my neighborhood". Here you have a religious organization not caring about the noise and problems THEY cause, but reign in on the neighbors' right to make their own.

Zipperfish has a great cartoon series entitled "You Are Fucking Morons". Here is the most recent You Are Fucking Morons 12: Muslims. Enjoy!

Britney's Cooter

Looks like she needs to shave a little further back. She's got some ass hair. Oh, and the regular use of personal hygiene wipes after each "powder room" break would help lighten up that brown streak between her butt cheaks.

NASTY...

Muslims Build A Mosque In Texas And Get Pig Races

A group of Muslims in Texas purchased some land and want to build a Mosque, a gym, and a school on it. There is a problem though, evidently several of their neighbors do not want the traffic into their quiet little area. Who can blame them? Also, another neighbor raises pigs. They asked him to leave (this is being denied...of course).

So the pig owner, whose family settled the area and has had their family pig business in this location for a couple generations, has decided to hold large pig race every Friday night (for those of you who were born yesterday, Muslims find pigs offensive and Friday night is their night of worship).

Well, I have an answers for the oh so offended Muslims. The pig owners/racers were there first. They've been raising pigs for quite some time. If you don't like it, sell the land and purchase elsewhere. Even then, be well aware that someone else may purchase the land next to you and decide to do pig boils on Friday night. Personally, if I were your neighbor, I'd have a weekly Friday night pig roast. I like roasted pig. I like ham, bacon and pork chops. This is AMERICA. In America we eat pigs. If you don't like it...LEAVE. But don't think for one damned minute that you have any right to claim "Religious Beliefs" and impose your pig issues on the rest of the bacon eating country. I live in the South now. Bacon, sausage and fried pork rinds are our heritage. Little Miss Piggy is an American Icon.

So either GET OVER IT or move to the Middle East where your women will be covered from head to toe and no pigs abound.

Now some people question whether or not there would be an outcry if someone wanted to build a Church instead. I believe the answer would be yes. There are fifteen homes out there. It is quiet. They like it that way. They don't want the traffic generated daily by a school, a gym and religious meetings. The Muslims are being rude by just ASSUMING that anyone there would be okay with an increase in traffic and noise to their homesteads.

Look, we moved our family out to nowhere for some peace and quiet. If a group of Protestants wanted to build something off of my quiet road which would create an increase in traffic, I'd be pissed and I'd fight it tooth and nail. I've lived in a neighborhood with an elementary school in it. The traffic was horrific. I HATED IT!!! At least these people have a recourse: PIG RACING ON FRIDAY NIGHTS.

I suggest the pig racing start now. I think they should do it during school hours every day as well. People purchase homes in quiet areas BECAUSE THEY WANT IT QUIET. They don't want to deal with parents dropping off and picking up their kids every damned day. I know I don't. And I'd much rather have pig racing and hog boils than vehicular traffic almost every morning, every afternoon, and several evenings during the week.

The American Muslim community wants us to be considerate of them. So when the hell will they become considerate of us? The Katy Islamic Association has an opportunity here (or HAD an opportunity here) to show that they are concerned about people other than themselves. I do know of churches asking local neighbors about building a church in their community BEFORE purchasing land and creating additional traffic. And I do know of churches who have agreed to go elsewhere. It's called being considerate.

A lesson that the K.I.A. obviously needs to learn.

She's pissed and crapped in my house once too often. This is bullshit! If I lock her in her cage she will hold it all damned night long. But if she has the run of the house she just pisses and craps wherever the hell she pleases. She is three years old and I've done all the doggie house breaking tricks out there. And yet Bitch Dog continues to use my house as a public toilet.

That is why she will be spending the night outside where it is going to be down in the 30's (we have a screen in back porch). I hope she enjoys herself. And tomorrow she looses her freedom. She will be fed at 6:30 and then locked in her cage. She will be given four potty breaks. She will no longer roam the house freely or run loose outside. She will live her life in the cage until she knocks it off.

That goes for Bear's little Pissy Dog, too. He's taken to running outside for an hour and then coming into the house to take his dump.

The cat's been relegated outside as well. WHY? Because she jumps up on my counter and rips into the bread or anything else on the counter even though she has food sitting out. Yes, she is now officially an OUT. DOOR. CAT.


There will be no more indoor animals. I don't care how cute, cuddly, cold, wet or hungry they may be live. No more indoor animals...except maybe a goldfish.