She's pissed and crapped in my house once too often. This is bullshit! If I lock her in her cage she will hold it all damned night long. But if she has the run of the house she just pisses and craps wherever the hell she pleases. She is three years old and I've done all the doggie house breaking tricks out there. And yet Bitch Dog continues to use my house as a public toilet.

That is why she will be spending the night outside where it is going to be down in the 30's (we have a screen in back porch). I hope she enjoys herself. And tomorrow she looses her freedom. She will be fed at 6:30 and then locked in her cage. She will be given four potty breaks. She will no longer roam the house freely or run loose outside. She will live her life in the cage until she knocks it off.

That goes for Bear's little Pissy Dog, too. He's taken to running outside for an hour and then coming into the house to take his dump.

The cat's been relegated outside as well. WHY? Because she jumps up on my counter and rips into the bread or anything else on the counter even though she has food sitting out. Yes, she is now officially an OUT. DOOR. CAT.


There will be no more indoor animals. I don't care how cute, cuddly, cold, wet or hungry they may be live. No more indoor animals...except maybe a goldfish.

We are expecting the first snow of the season on Friday. YEAH!!!

Two posts in one day...

George the goat died. I went down to the barn to let them out, and he was dead. He was too big to try and dig a hole for. I carried him out to the corn fields and laid him in the middle of the dry stalks.

I guess that's all there is to say.

I would like to take this moment to thank Bear for the most amazing sexual experiences he gave me Wednesday night in the tub after his arrival, and this morning. I will be smiling for days now. Thank-you, Bear!

Here is Katie alive and well and sticking her tongue out at me.

Here's a close up of my dog's wounds.

Here's a cute one of the cat comforting the dog. I just thought that was sweet.

I ran over my dog today.

I was backing out of the drive way to drive down to the barn and let the goats in. I was barely moving, thank the Goddess, when I feel this "thump" and the van stops. I go into drive and move off of what I'd backed over thinking, "Please don't let it be a dog...please don't let it be a dog..." Of course, it was a dog.

I took her to the vet. She's needed staples and antibiotics and pain meds (think she'll share the pain meds???). She'll be recovering on the back porch. No playing with the goats or chasing squirrells for breakfast for the next week.

I picked her up and put her on one of the chairs on the back porch and covered her up with a towel so she'd stay warm tonight. Poor thing.

Maybe now she'll stop playing dodge car. There are only three cars on this road (two houses, dead end). She's now been hit by two of them. I hope this will be the last time.

I had a startling realization about three of my children tonight at dinner:

My third son truly deserves the nickname they gave him at school..."Happy Gilmore". Then I looked at my fourth son and realized that I have a Gomer Pyle in my house that makes a great side kick for Gilmore. Then I heard son number two saying something and I realized I have a Gilligan as well.

Hmmmm....Gilmore, Gomer and Gillian...I think I shall start refering to them as such in my blog. I think I'll start calling the eldest son Fred Astaire...Freddy Boy...you know...to poke fun at him for dancing like a white boy. But gotta give him kudos for trying.

I was watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas and the Grinch was swinging from some wreaths and I SWEAR the song "Ice, Ice, Baby! Bum-badda-bum-bum-bum-bum" fits in just perfect there. Twas quite scary. Then I began to wonder why the PETA people don't ban that film from being shown. After all, here's this little itty dog just kicking the shit knocked or whipped out of it nearly the entire movie. And at the end? They feed him "roast beast"...a DEAD animal...and look close, folks, it's RAW. What kind of inhumane creatures ARE these Who's anyway?!

I had wild kingdom going on in my kitchen earlier this evening. I couldn't get to the camera in time, but I swear to you, the cat was on her back and the poodle was given it to her in missionary position. Then the chin was given it to the poodle doggie style. The poodle was giving this happy whine the entire time. It was pretty damned freaky. And I was laughing my frigging ass off!

Talking about laughing my ass off, you need to go here and watch "CELL PHONES & CAR ADS". The ending is hillarious. I had somehow missed that Foamy and my Bear was kind enough to tell me about it.

Well, gotta run...

I have the flu.

Things I would like for Christmas, Yule, Hanukkah, Kwanza... Seriously, if you just feel like buying me something, I'd be purty excited over any of the following:

Foamy the Squirrel DVD Vol. 1

Foamy the Squirrel DVD Vol. 2

Foamy the Squirrel DVD Vol. 3

Squirrelly Wrath Thong

Squirelly Wrath Spaghetti strap to match above thong

Human Idiocy T-Shirt

Dead Squirrel Society T-Shirt

Zen of Anger T-Shirt

Stab You With Hot French Fry T-Shirt


I wear a size medium top. I do have some hips, so I'd need a large for the thong.

Thank-you.

Gift Cards Make Horrible Gifts

Bear was given a gift card in July for a bookstore. Nearest one? Almost an hour away. Shop online? Evidently not all gift cards can be used online. I had to call customer service and argue with this woman that even though the store was only "X" miles away, it was still nearly an hour's worth of driving. Wasn't about to do that for $20. Her surperviser finally agreed to convert my GC to an online gift certificate.

I current have other gift cards that I've tried to use online (nearest store is 1 1/2 hours away) and the very FEW items my children have asked are all "Available in store only." The clearance crap and junk is about all you can fine at the online store.

There were the Toys R Us cards my kids received one year. Spent over an hour round trip in travel time so the kids could pay 15% more than they would have if they had the choice to shop after holiday sales near our home.

And then you have to LOVE LOVE LOVE when you get $20 for here and $25 for there and $15 for somewhere else. Wanted one nice item? Not a chance, can't combine them. Plus you have to drive, drive, drive to all of the individual stores. You spend more in gas than was on the gift cards to begin with. And if you do try to shop online and are lucky enough for them to have what you wanted, it's $8 in shipping. So in reality, instead of receiving a $20 gift, you actually received a $12 gift.

I'm going to make that simple for those of you with not so complex minds: If the receivee has to shop online because you gave them a gift card for a store they can't get to, you threw away $8 of a $20 gift card.

Look people, you wanna REALLY be thoughtful? Give an AmEx or MasterCard gift card. Better yet, send a check. That way you know it's going to fit. And maybe the intended gift reciever would like to save their Christmas and B-Day money to help pay for a car when they turn 16 in three years instead of buying something now.

Cash is king. No matter what anyone says. Cash is the best gift you can give unless you know EXACTLY what the person wants. Some say I don't put enough thought into gifts for people. Truth is, I've given this LOTS of thought. I either make them something or I let them buy what they want.

One day my nieces and nephews will be adults and they'll say, "My Aunt Krystal was the best. She gave us CASH and we always got what we wanted."

Happy pre-holiday shopping...

In the news today...

Doogie Howser is gay. That's news?

Boy George was intimately involved with a male band member. When it went bad, the band broke up. Again, that's news?

Madonna might adopt another child. Good for her and the child she adopts.

Some dweeb writer at AOL thinks I can have my house "sparkling" in just 19 minutes a day. Maybe if I were single.

A few observations...

This Man has got to be OCD. Come on, the man took a picture of himself EVERY DAY from January 11, 2000-July 31, 2006. That would be 2,356 pictures. He calls it "a work in progress." Alrighty then. I really do like the music playing in the background though. I'm sure he'll win an award from Hollywood.

And then this wonderful new single from Gwen Stefani ("Wind it Up") just bothers me. I mean, I never could understand the purpose of "There Ain't No Hollar Back Girl" (spelling "banana"...HUH??) This one has me even more baffled. It's starts off with yodeling from "The Sound of Music". Quite odd. Is what she does considered music?

Try playing OCD Man and The Musically Challenged one at the same time. It's funny.

Then there's Borat. Need I say more?

Strange But True...

Bear went to the bank today. He found it swarmed with cops. He asked if it was robbed. Yes, indeed it was. Did they catch the man? Yes, they did. You see, the bank robber made his getaway on his bicycle which he road to the other side of the strip plaza. He then got off his bike and sat down at the bench, well in view from the bank, to wait for the city bus to come and take him home.

Sorta makes you just wanna say, "Give the money back and you're free to go. Obviously you're too much of a fuck-nut to do real harm." Could you imagine his conversations in prison on how he got caught...

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." -Fuck Nut, I mean sen. john kerry (lack of capitalization intentional)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

to all of my Pagan and/or witchy friends out there.

Secondly, I am sorely depressed. My man, Bob Barker, is retiring next June. He will be 82 this December 12th. I love Bob Barker. I had a crush on him in middle school. I can't believe that the man will be leaving Price. Life will never be the same.

My husband informed me this morning that Daniel Rolling finally got the needle after sixteen years. I hope now that my friend, Sonja, may rest in peace.

And don't any of you liberal, bleeding heart fuckers post anything against the death penalty here. The son-of-a-bitch butchered Sonja. They had to identify her by her dental records. I can't imagine the horendous pain and suffering she went through while this bastard got off torturing and slashing her to death.

Sonja was a sweet person. A good person. And she didn't deserve what she received. My moment is over now. Thank-you.

So sorry it took so long...It's as nekkid as Bear says I can get on the net.

Reflections and Introspections

I will be 36 in February. For some reason a few weeks ago it really hit me that I will be 36 soon. But it didn't hit in a bad way. It just...occurred to me.

I guess that I've metioned different things to my husband because he told me today that I'm really embracing this. Yes, yes I am.

As young girls we all look forward to our first bra. We're proud at each new cup size. As a few years pass, we realize that we're unable to jump and run without one. The novelty begins to wear off. Then we look forward to nursing babies, finding that bras are once again a godsend...for a while. We get weary of the constant feedings. Our babes wean and we look in the mirror and see our once beautiful breasts a bit lower than they once were. We turn to underwire for help. Some women are so dismayed that they feel the need to go under the knife to "fix" their breasts. We compare our selves to younger girls and find ourselves short.

As young girls we anxiously await our passage into womanhood with our first cycle. It's exciting, for a day and a half, until we realize that we're going to do this every month for the next 25, 35, 40 YEARS. Then we begin to resent it each month: the cravings, the bloat, the hormones. We spend an entire week complaining that it's coming. But we miss that it's that exact cycle which enables us to create life! It's a wonderful glorious thing and we bemoan it each month.

As adolecense we see our hips begin to develop and we're captivated by the mirror looking at our new curves. We use them to attract the boys and we're proud to have them. Then we age a bit and they get bigger than we might like. We begin to become uphappy with them and complain about the very things we were so enamored with as teenage girls. We grow older, have children, and somehow expect to look seventeen again.

We go through all of these changes failing to realize that there are many rights of passage in life and how we handle them will either make us or break us.

Ladies, there is nothing wrong with your breasts or mine! Mine sustained life for five precious children and if they hang a little low and swing too and fro, they're BEAUTIFUL and they're mine and they're perfect the way they are.

And there is nothing wrong with your hips or mine! As long as you're HEALTHY they're perfect the way they are, they've changed, that's all and they are a part of you. So gravity got ahold of them. So what!

We grow older and we pass from child to young lady to young woman. Now I'm turning 36, I have night sweats and my cycles are getting a bit odd and I have saddle bags forming in my thighs that I can't get rid of and I have wrinkles forming around my mouth (hopefully from all that smiling I like to do). My metabolism is slowing down so I have to be more careful about what I eat and I have to make sure that I exercise. And I need to get a base line mammogram.

And why? Because I'm passing into another phase of my life, another beautiful phase that will once again change my body and my appearance. And it's okay. I looked into the mirror this afternoon after fully coming to appreciate what is going on with my body and I really like my non-perky boobs and my less than "Hollywood perfect" hips and thighs and the lines around my mouth and I realize that these are just the marks of a happy life with a wonderful husband and five amazing children and I LIKE the way I look, every bit of it.

And as I spend the next decade passing from young woman to mature woman, I will not be anxious for it to end. I will not judge my body against the bodies of girls two phases behind me. I will embrace this change and I will embrace me and I will do my best to enjoy every little bit of it instead of trying to rush it on or longing for life which has already passed.

Because I am a woman.

And this is my body.

And it's functions and looks are perfect and running along just the way nature intended it to be.

I am a woman. I am beautiful. I will be 36 soon.

And in about ten years, we won't need to purchase condoms anymore.

Second Degree Burn

That's what you get when you overflow a jar of apples with hot bubbling syrup that is over 225 degrees. But if you keep it on ice off and on for 3 1/2 hours, amazingly enough, you get no blisters and by the next day, it no longer hurts to touch it. I'd take a picture of my hand, but my new camera hasn't arrived yet...

WHICH brings me to the next subject...

Nekkid picture coming soon

Bear has purchased me a new digital and it should be here next week. We've already discussed the shot, and it has his approval.

House Flood and Lassie's Replacement: My Dog Kaitlyn AKA Dumb Ass (See Previous Post)

Okay, before I tell you about my day yesterday, I will explain to you why I am up at 4:20 in the morning blogging.

You see, I went to bed nice and all around 9:30, but at 2:00 this morning I start to hear the pitter patter of little feet upstairs in the boys' room. Their floor is my ceiling. I figure one of them is going to the bathroom. And one of them did come downstairs to use the facilities (why they have to use the downstairs bathroom will come next). Now begins the potty parade as one by one the three younger boys all come down to use the bathroom. Then they take one of the dogs and the cat into their room. The dog and the cat start chasing each other back and forth in the room which is over my bed (except I didn't know the cause of the hoopla until a bit later). Finally at 3:11 I got my ass out of bed and went up to tell them to shut. the. hell. up. I kicked the animals out of the room.

All is well, I can now attempt to go back to sleep. My mind and body had a difficult time settling back down. I had JUST dozed off when I hear Kaitlyn start up with her Lassie immitation outside. WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! BARK! BARK! BARK! Being as we live next to a wildlife refuge, I grab my flashlight and head out to see what was going on. "What's wrong, Girl? What? You say that little Timmy is stuck in a well?!?!?! OH NO!" She had the scent of something. I did the obligatory scanning of the woods with my flashlight, but I never saw an animal out there. Although with the dense woods it's not like the flashlight is going to make it visible anyhow. I simply call the dogs up to the porch, assure them that they're great and wonderful blah, blah, blah... Can I go back to bed now? Except I can't sleep.

So here I sit blogging.

Okay, the House Flood

I'm up at my friend's (the only other house on this road) when I receive a phone call from my son. He tells me that the toilet upstairs overflode and is still running. Yeah, yeah, yeah, toilet's back up and there some water on the floor, I'm on my way. Except when I get upstairs, instead of the little overflow I was expecting, there's an inch and a half, maybe two inches of water on the floor. The toilet backed up and the flapper got stuck in the up position and the toilet ran full flow...for about 30-40 minutes.

Of course I immediately turned off the water valve behind the toilet. Not in time, however, to prevent the water from the UPSTAIRS bathroom to seap through the floor and come out of the ceiling and pour in a steady stream into the DOWNSTAIRS bathroom, which now had a good inch of water in.

And of COURSE this water went through the floor and had a steady stream flowing into, you got it, Baby! the basement!!! WEEEEEEEEE!!!

So I got out my handy dandy carpet cleaner and sucked up the water from upstairs. Then I sucked out the water from downstairs and will have to try sucking more water from the basement. You see, while the bathrooms have linoleum in them, the basement has this stuff on the floor called...CARPET...which is now damp with...toilet water...

We did end up using just about all of my ten of our our extra large size fluffy white towles to clean up the meass as well. So they were washed in hot water and bleach last night. I guess there will be no shower for me this morning when...ever...I might have showered when I got up.

If I were actually still asleep.

Six Bushels of Apples

A friend gave me six bushels of apples yesterday afternoon. To give you an idea of how much that is (I wish I had my camera), it's four large rectangle laundry baskets, a large box and two paper bags from the grocery store. I will be busy making apple butter, apple rings, spiced apple ring, applesauce, etc, for the next three days.

'Nough said. I guess I should go ahead and start making the kids' lunches now. Makes no sense to try to sleep now when I'll just have to get up in another hour anyway to get the kids to the bus by 7:00.