Thursday, April 19, 2007

My daughter took a pair of scissors to her hair and cut her bangs and the side of her hair to the scalp. I tell Bear and asks if I can even it out. No, I can't because there's nothing TOO even out.

This is the third time she's done this in three years, and the worse! I spanked her butt (which I hadn't done before), I told her she looked like a stupid idiot (which she should have seen the looks we were getting at the store when I had to go), and she's grounded from the television until it grows out. I told her to have a fun two months. I didn't buy her the baby stroller I was going to get her and I'm not taking her for ice cream tomorrow either. In fact, I'm not taking her anyway I don't absolutely HAVE to until she no longer looks like she does.

And for those of you laughing, go screw yourselves!

Monday, April 16, 2007

I love Jason Whitlock!
He so speaks the truth!

Watch the videos. I couldn't have said any of this better myself. MLK would be proud!!!

Of course Snoop Dog is taking total offense to what Imus said and to being compared to Imus:

"[Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We're talking about ho's that's in the 'hood that ain't doing sh--, that's trying to get a n---a for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain't no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC."

So, according to Snoop Dog, it's okay to use the term "ho" when you are referring to females in "the hood", but not once they pursue an education (which he himself so desperately needs). So Imus's real mistake here wasn't in using the term "ho" but in HOW he used it. Thanks for the 4-1-1 Snoop. It's all clear to me now.

Oh, and while you're at it, Snoop, could you give some clarification about when the term "n---a" is an appropriate term and when it's not. Since you and your ilk, and those who purchase that crap you record, have proven its use is more than acceptable, you should give instances and situations when the rednecks around here can use it. I wouldn't want anyone to add it to their repertoire of socially acceptable slang without their first being informed of when it should and shouldn't be used. After all a "n---a" must still be a "n---a" no matter who's doing the identification, right?

I love his description of Imus, "old-ass white man". The term is Caucassion, "old-ass Caucassion man," thank-you. Unless of course the "old-ass white man" gets to call you a "dumb-ass black man," which I don't think you'd appreciate, even if it is true. You are a dumb-ass who is making money from the degredation of your own race. Impressive. May I breathe the air you breathe?

Please note the dripping sarcasm. And for the record, Imus did a stupid, stupid thing.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

So I bought a used Bananarama CD (kiss my arse, people) and as a result I was in the kitchen singing, "I'm your Venus, I'm your fire at your desire." I was dancing around while measuring out my food (more on that in a sec) when my five-year-old daughter comes out and says, "That's gross what you said!" I say, "HUH?!" She replies, "You said, 'I'm your penis!'".

So I told her that no, Momma said VE-nus. Then when she left the room I laughed hysterical with my 14 & 11 year-old sons.

I put on my bathing suit. I have no arse. It has melted into my thighs. As I emailed a very good friend of mine, I am amazed at the amount of cellulite and fat that amassed on my ass during my winter hibernation. I must go now and do 1,000 squats and 1,000 lunges.

I am "to snack cakes, what Einstein was to nuclear physics" declared my bear on Friday. You see, another friend of mine had back surgery (her second in three weeks) and was on super drugs (she doesn't share well). The Xanax makes her crave chocolate. So off I was on the way to get her Ho-Ho's and brownie mix (she wanted the batter, not the actually brownies). So in the car on the phone with Bear I say that Ho-Ho's and Swiss Cake Rolls were the same. He had the audacity to say I. Was. Wrong.

We were discussing snack cakes. Saying *I* don't know what Swiss Cakes Rolls are is like saying Clinton didn't have sex with that woman (need another cigar there, Billy Boy?).

So after about five minutes Bear gets on the net. "Uh-oh" he says. He actually said uh-oh. HE had confused Swiss Cake Rolls with Zebra Cakes...two totally different beasts: Swiss Cake Rolls are chocolate cake rolled up with creamy filling and coating in Ho-Ho's, while Zebra Cakes are two layers of yellow cake with cream in between that are covered in WHITE coating with some chocolate lines on top (thus the name ZEBRA Cakes). They also have a salty sweet taste to them while Swiss Cakes Rolls are just plain sweet.

My knowledge of snack cakes is not to be questioned. Herein lies the reason my arse has melted into my thighs.

I've come up with a snazzy new nick-name for Bear's dog. Seeing how he's constantly getting out into the mud and getting burs stuck in his long thick fur which then TOTALLY mats up, I've decided to call him Nappy Headed Ho Dog. I realize that "ho" isn't typically used for males, BUT I've decided it works for this dog. Besides, once we get his balls cut off he'll be an it anyway SO it won't matter.

He doesn't appear to be traumatized by this new term of endearment which is a good thing. I wouldn't want to have Animal Planet or the Dog Whisperer get pissed off.

Till next time...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Soooo, Larry Birkhead IS the father of Anna Nicole's baby. And I guess her lawyer common law husband is surprised by this because he thought that he was the only man she was doing...?

Anyone else see this coming from a mile away?

Now Howard wants to be a part of her life no matter what because he was closest to Anna Nicole and wants to make sure the Dannielynn will have a good view of her mother. Well, and maybe it's just me, but I think that when she finds out that more than one man filed for testing to see if they were the father, and one man had to get court orders in two states and two countries for testing... When she finds out that her mother did all she could to prevent such testing claiming that Howard was the biological father and ONLY possible father...and yet he's not... Well, I think she's gonna know. Add the Playboy thing AND the marriage to the billionare old enough to be her great grandfather AND the drugged out show she did AND her party life AND her death to a drug overdose... Let's just say that Howard is going to be fighting an uphill battle to prevent this little girl from having certain views about her mom. He said he wants Anna Nicole remembered as a Marilyn Monroe figure. Never. Gonna. Happen.

I'm not judging Anna Nicole; her life WAS tumultuous to say the least. I'm just saying that this little girl isn't going to "know" her mom based on what Howard tells her, but on the history which was her mother's life.

I guess that's a lesson that we could all take to heart.

Here's a quiz from the Diva. I will have to say that it is completely and totally accurate until the last two lines. Those are the ONLY lines that doesn't fit me to a perfect T.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Sorry. I've had writer's block.


I did take one of those online IQ tests. Here are my results:

The Classic IQ Test
What's Your IQ?

Congratulations, Krystal!
Your IQ score is 142

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns. And that's just some of what we know about you from your IQ results.

Maybe I'll post the full report when they email it to me. LOL!

HEY! My cat is pregnant. Now who wants a kitten in the mail?