At the risk of smashing to bits every ounce of coolness my reputation may have, I must admit that I am a Barry Manillow and Gloria Gaynor fan. I've been singing two of their songs throughout the day. First comes "I Will Survive" and then "Copa Cabana". In both of these songs the women's lives take a serious nosedive. Gloria goes on with passion about how she's going to survive it all. Lola, well, Lola winds up dressing in her old showgirl dress from twenty years previous and looses her mind.

Right now I can relate to both of those women.

Big shout out to Tuna's ex-teacher. Many thanks for targeting my baby and making his life so miserable that I had to withdraw him. Tossing him homework in the trash and giving him zero's for it instead? Two thumbs ups! Great teaching strategy!

And telling the class that my son fakes all of his medical issues on the day that he's having an MRI looking for a possible brain tumor to explain his seizure (you say he's not having). TERRIFIC example for the other children! I thank you for that one, too.

I really like the super sarcastic remarks you wrote on his homework packet (that you told the guidance counselor he didn't turn in). My autistic child was thrilled to have worked so hard to complete all seven sheets only to have to write, "Did you read the question?" and "Not a good answer!". Fred and I figured out how he came to those conclussions in a matter of seconds, and they both made perfect sense to us. But he's just a gay farmer and I'm an idiot stay at home mother. I'm sure we know shit.

But that doesn't hold a candle to you're berating him in front of the other children when he didn't understand things. That's EXACTLY what we should be teaching children. When a person with a disability can't perform at the same level of everyone else...berate them in front of their peers. It's fun!

What I'm most impressed with though, is that asside from being such an amazing school teacher, evidently you also hold a medical degree. I'm truly honored to be in the presence of a woman who can teach so magnificently, and THEN without ever seeing a report, can declare that my sons does NOT have OCD, impulse control, ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome or seizures, amoung other things. You can cut through all the bullshit and KNOW that he's faking it all.

How cool it must be to be you.

You are my idol.

I want to be like you.

Have a merry Christmas, and thanks for helping my son so tremendously. I will cherish you in my heart forever, as will my son as the rest of our family.

Peace out.

Just a few random thougths...

ANOTHER Rocky movie? Are they frigging serious???

My mother is coming to visit on Dec 26th. She is staying at a hotel. SEND. DRUGS. NOW. For me that is...

A tenth grade (slut whore cradle robber) girl on the bus told my either grader that his long hair made him look really hot. He is now wearing a flat top.

Too much homemade fudge makes your jeans too tight.

OH! And Bear will be here on the 21st! You know what that means....SEX! SEX!!! SEX!!!!! So send condoms with those drugs.

That's about all for now.

Texas Mosque Update!

Actually, one of my readers posted a very well written comment regarding her experience with having a religious organization open up down the road on her PREVIOUSLY quiet neighborhood. I thought it deserved sharing.

Ozfemme said...

We live in a relatively quiet (if you overlook my raucous squawking at the children) leafy peaceful area. Just down the road from here, some Bahai devotees took possession of an old shopfront and use it to worship on certain weeknights. That's cool. They're a peaceful, gentle mob and I quite like the basic priniciples of their faith. I just wish that after a peaceful, night's worshipping they could go peacefully to their cars (which they've blocked our driveway with at regular intervals) and depart as quietly as they can. No, not this mob. Once they're done with their peaceful and harmonious worshipping they're out there, all talking at the top of their voices at once, taking half an hour to say "See Ya" and slamming their car doors several times over each - or so it would seem. Perhaps it's part of their rituals? Then, just to top it off, they have to honk their car horns twice each as they depart, just in case there's someone in a 12km radius that isn't aware of the fact that they're going home and see you Thursday!!

My son is in the school rock band. He plays guitar and is soon acquiring a drum kit. We have a large garage down the back of the property which I will line with whatever sound proofing works the best. I've notified the neighbours and have set time limits on when Noise and his band members can make noise.

Guess who in the street has a problem with it?!

I'm tempted to schedule a rock band concert in my front yard one Thursday night from 7 - 10pm and invite everyone in town and make sure all the available parking space in the street is taken.

I'm a reasonable woman, you know.

Peace Out People!

Now see, like I said, the issue with the Mosque isn't anti-Muslim. It's anti-"noise and confussion in my neighborhood". Here you have a religious organization not caring about the noise and problems THEY cause, but reign in on the neighbors' right to make their own.

Zipperfish has a great cartoon series entitled "You Are Fucking Morons". Here is the most recent You Are Fucking Morons 12: Muslims. Enjoy!

Britney's Cooter

Looks like she needs to shave a little further back. She's got some ass hair. Oh, and the regular use of personal hygiene wipes after each "powder room" break would help lighten up that brown streak between her butt cheaks.

NASTY...

Muslims Build A Mosque In Texas And Get Pig Races

A group of Muslims in Texas purchased some land and want to build a Mosque, a gym, and a school on it. There is a problem though, evidently several of their neighbors do not want the traffic into their quiet little area. Who can blame them? Also, another neighbor raises pigs. They asked him to leave (this is being denied...of course).

So the pig owner, whose family settled the area and has had their family pig business in this location for a couple generations, has decided to hold large pig race every Friday night (for those of you who were born yesterday, Muslims find pigs offensive and Friday night is their night of worship).

Well, I have an answers for the oh so offended Muslims. The pig owners/racers were there first. They've been raising pigs for quite some time. If you don't like it, sell the land and purchase elsewhere. Even then, be well aware that someone else may purchase the land next to you and decide to do pig boils on Friday night. Personally, if I were your neighbor, I'd have a weekly Friday night pig roast. I like roasted pig. I like ham, bacon and pork chops. This is AMERICA. In America we eat pigs. If you don't like it...LEAVE. But don't think for one damned minute that you have any right to claim "Religious Beliefs" and impose your pig issues on the rest of the bacon eating country. I live in the South now. Bacon, sausage and fried pork rinds are our heritage. Little Miss Piggy is an American Icon.

So either GET OVER IT or move to the Middle East where your women will be covered from head to toe and no pigs abound.

Now some people question whether or not there would be an outcry if someone wanted to build a Church instead. I believe the answer would be yes. There are fifteen homes out there. It is quiet. They like it that way. They don't want the traffic generated daily by a school, a gym and religious meetings. The Muslims are being rude by just ASSUMING that anyone there would be okay with an increase in traffic and noise to their homesteads.

Look, we moved our family out to nowhere for some peace and quiet. If a group of Protestants wanted to build something off of my quiet road which would create an increase in traffic, I'd be pissed and I'd fight it tooth and nail. I've lived in a neighborhood with an elementary school in it. The traffic was horrific. I HATED IT!!! At least these people have a recourse: PIG RACING ON FRIDAY NIGHTS.

I suggest the pig racing start now. I think they should do it during school hours every day as well. People purchase homes in quiet areas BECAUSE THEY WANT IT QUIET. They don't want to deal with parents dropping off and picking up their kids every damned day. I know I don't. And I'd much rather have pig racing and hog boils than vehicular traffic almost every morning, every afternoon, and several evenings during the week.

The American Muslim community wants us to be considerate of them. So when the hell will they become considerate of us? The Katy Islamic Association has an opportunity here (or HAD an opportunity here) to show that they are concerned about people other than themselves. I do know of churches asking local neighbors about building a church in their community BEFORE purchasing land and creating additional traffic. And I do know of churches who have agreed to go elsewhere. It's called being considerate.

A lesson that the K.I.A. obviously needs to learn.

She's pissed and crapped in my house once too often. This is bullshit! If I lock her in her cage she will hold it all damned night long. But if she has the run of the house she just pisses and craps wherever the hell she pleases. She is three years old and I've done all the doggie house breaking tricks out there. And yet Bitch Dog continues to use my house as a public toilet.

That is why she will be spending the night outside where it is going to be down in the 30's (we have a screen in back porch). I hope she enjoys herself. And tomorrow she looses her freedom. She will be fed at 6:30 and then locked in her cage. She will be given four potty breaks. She will no longer roam the house freely or run loose outside. She will live her life in the cage until she knocks it off.

That goes for Bear's little Pissy Dog, too. He's taken to running outside for an hour and then coming into the house to take his dump.

The cat's been relegated outside as well. WHY? Because she jumps up on my counter and rips into the bread or anything else on the counter even though she has food sitting out. Yes, she is now officially an OUT. DOOR. CAT.


There will be no more indoor animals. I don't care how cute, cuddly, cold, wet or hungry they may be live. No more indoor animals...except maybe a goldfish.

We are expecting the first snow of the season on Friday. YEAH!!!

Two posts in one day...

George the goat died. I went down to the barn to let them out, and he was dead. He was too big to try and dig a hole for. I carried him out to the corn fields and laid him in the middle of the dry stalks.

I guess that's all there is to say.

I would like to take this moment to thank Bear for the most amazing sexual experiences he gave me Wednesday night in the tub after his arrival, and this morning. I will be smiling for days now. Thank-you, Bear!

Here is Katie alive and well and sticking her tongue out at me.

Here's a close up of my dog's wounds.

Here's a cute one of the cat comforting the dog. I just thought that was sweet.

I ran over my dog today.

I was backing out of the drive way to drive down to the barn and let the goats in. I was barely moving, thank the Goddess, when I feel this "thump" and the van stops. I go into drive and move off of what I'd backed over thinking, "Please don't let it be a dog...please don't let it be a dog..." Of course, it was a dog.

I took her to the vet. She's needed staples and antibiotics and pain meds (think she'll share the pain meds???). She'll be recovering on the back porch. No playing with the goats or chasing squirrells for breakfast for the next week.

I picked her up and put her on one of the chairs on the back porch and covered her up with a towel so she'd stay warm tonight. Poor thing.

Maybe now she'll stop playing dodge car. There are only three cars on this road (two houses, dead end). She's now been hit by two of them. I hope this will be the last time.

I had a startling realization about three of my children tonight at dinner:

My third son truly deserves the nickname they gave him at school..."Happy Gilmore". Then I looked at my fourth son and realized that I have a Gomer Pyle in my house that makes a great side kick for Gilmore. Then I heard son number two saying something and I realized I have a Gilligan as well.

Hmmmm....Gilmore, Gomer and Gillian...I think I shall start refering to them as such in my blog. I think I'll start calling the eldest son Fred Astaire...Freddy Boy...you know...to poke fun at him for dancing like a white boy. But gotta give him kudos for trying.

I was watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas and the Grinch was swinging from some wreaths and I SWEAR the song "Ice, Ice, Baby! Bum-badda-bum-bum-bum-bum" fits in just perfect there. Twas quite scary. Then I began to wonder why the PETA people don't ban that film from being shown. After all, here's this little itty dog just kicking the shit knocked or whipped out of it nearly the entire movie. And at the end? They feed him "roast beast"...a DEAD animal...and look close, folks, it's RAW. What kind of inhumane creatures ARE these Who's anyway?!

I had wild kingdom going on in my kitchen earlier this evening. I couldn't get to the camera in time, but I swear to you, the cat was on her back and the poodle was given it to her in missionary position. Then the chin was given it to the poodle doggie style. The poodle was giving this happy whine the entire time. It was pretty damned freaky. And I was laughing my frigging ass off!

Talking about laughing my ass off, you need to go here and watch "CELL PHONES & CAR ADS". The ending is hillarious. I had somehow missed that Foamy and my Bear was kind enough to tell me about it.

Well, gotta run...

I have the flu.

Things I would like for Christmas, Yule, Hanukkah, Kwanza... Seriously, if you just feel like buying me something, I'd be purty excited over any of the following:

Foamy the Squirrel DVD Vol. 1

Foamy the Squirrel DVD Vol. 2

Foamy the Squirrel DVD Vol. 3

Squirrelly Wrath Thong

Squirelly Wrath Spaghetti strap to match above thong

Human Idiocy T-Shirt

Dead Squirrel Society T-Shirt

Zen of Anger T-Shirt

Stab You With Hot French Fry T-Shirt


I wear a size medium top. I do have some hips, so I'd need a large for the thong.

Thank-you.

Gift Cards Make Horrible Gifts

Bear was given a gift card in July for a bookstore. Nearest one? Almost an hour away. Shop online? Evidently not all gift cards can be used online. I had to call customer service and argue with this woman that even though the store was only "X" miles away, it was still nearly an hour's worth of driving. Wasn't about to do that for $20. Her surperviser finally agreed to convert my GC to an online gift certificate.

I current have other gift cards that I've tried to use online (nearest store is 1 1/2 hours away) and the very FEW items my children have asked are all "Available in store only." The clearance crap and junk is about all you can fine at the online store.

There were the Toys R Us cards my kids received one year. Spent over an hour round trip in travel time so the kids could pay 15% more than they would have if they had the choice to shop after holiday sales near our home.

And then you have to LOVE LOVE LOVE when you get $20 for here and $25 for there and $15 for somewhere else. Wanted one nice item? Not a chance, can't combine them. Plus you have to drive, drive, drive to all of the individual stores. You spend more in gas than was on the gift cards to begin with. And if you do try to shop online and are lucky enough for them to have what you wanted, it's $8 in shipping. So in reality, instead of receiving a $20 gift, you actually received a $12 gift.

I'm going to make that simple for those of you with not so complex minds: If the receivee has to shop online because you gave them a gift card for a store they can't get to, you threw away $8 of a $20 gift card.

Look people, you wanna REALLY be thoughtful? Give an AmEx or MasterCard gift card. Better yet, send a check. That way you know it's going to fit. And maybe the intended gift reciever would like to save their Christmas and B-Day money to help pay for a car when they turn 16 in three years instead of buying something now.

Cash is king. No matter what anyone says. Cash is the best gift you can give unless you know EXACTLY what the person wants. Some say I don't put enough thought into gifts for people. Truth is, I've given this LOTS of thought. I either make them something or I let them buy what they want.

One day my nieces and nephews will be adults and they'll say, "My Aunt Krystal was the best. She gave us CASH and we always got what we wanted."

Happy pre-holiday shopping...

In the news today...

Doogie Howser is gay. That's news?

Boy George was intimately involved with a male band member. When it went bad, the band broke up. Again, that's news?

Madonna might adopt another child. Good for her and the child she adopts.

Some dweeb writer at AOL thinks I can have my house "sparkling" in just 19 minutes a day. Maybe if I were single.

A few observations...

This Man has got to be OCD. Come on, the man took a picture of himself EVERY DAY from January 11, 2000-July 31, 2006. That would be 2,356 pictures. He calls it "a work in progress." Alrighty then. I really do like the music playing in the background though. I'm sure he'll win an award from Hollywood.

And then this wonderful new single from Gwen Stefani ("Wind it Up") just bothers me. I mean, I never could understand the purpose of "There Ain't No Hollar Back Girl" (spelling "banana"...HUH??) This one has me even more baffled. It's starts off with yodeling from "The Sound of Music". Quite odd. Is what she does considered music?

Try playing OCD Man and The Musically Challenged one at the same time. It's funny.

Then there's Borat. Need I say more?

Strange But True...

Bear went to the bank today. He found it swarmed with cops. He asked if it was robbed. Yes, indeed it was. Did they catch the man? Yes, they did. You see, the bank robber made his getaway on his bicycle which he road to the other side of the strip plaza. He then got off his bike and sat down at the bench, well in view from the bank, to wait for the city bus to come and take him home.

Sorta makes you just wanna say, "Give the money back and you're free to go. Obviously you're too much of a fuck-nut to do real harm." Could you imagine his conversations in prison on how he got caught...

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." -Fuck Nut, I mean sen. john kerry (lack of capitalization intentional)