Monday, January 30, 2006

I have been drinking, and THAT is my defense for the following audio post.

this is an audio post - click to play
I was just smiling and thought about Autumn. My daughter was sitting in her tub playing with her rubber duckies when she had one say to other, "I just love it when you get that fire in your eye." It's another line from Uneasy Rider '88 which Auty had quoted in her blog a few days ago. The song is a family favorite and hearing my daughter use that line in play is quite amusing.

I also find it adorable when my six year old sings the entire song The Devil Went Down to Georgia. It's really funny when he says, "I done told you once you son of a ..." and then hesitates because he knows if I hear him say "bitch" he's in trouble. We've told him to say "son of a gun" and that's what he says...when he knows we're within earshot.

Anyway, I thought I'd "sing" one of my favorite Charlie Daniels.

Long Haired Country Boy

People say I'm no good and crazy as a loon,
'cause I get stoned in the morning,
I get drunk in the afternoon.
Kind of like my old blue tick hound
I like to lay around in the shade.
And I ain't got no money
but I damn sure got it made.

But I ain't asking nobody for nothing
if I can't get it on my own.
If you don't like the way I'm living
you just leave this long haired country boy alone.

Preacher man talking on TV,
and puttin' down the rock and roll.
Wants me to send a donation
'cause he's worried about my soul.
He said, "Jesus walked on the water."
And I know that it's true.
But sometimes I think that preacher man would
like to do a little walking too.

But I ain't asking nobody for nothing
if I can't get it on my own.
If you don't like the way I'm living
you just leave this long haired country boy alone.

A poor girl wants to marry
and a rich girl wants to flirt.
A rich man goes to college
and a poor man goes to work.
A drunkard wants another drink of wine,
and a politician wants the vote.
I don't want much of nothing at all,
but I will take another toke.

'Cause I ain't aking nobody for nothing
if I can't get it on my own.
If you don't like the way I'm living
you just leave this long haired country boy alone.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Look at the pretty mashmallow bag...

You wanna know what's so special about this nearly empty mini-marshmallow bag? It's nearly empty because I ate them all...last night. And do you know why? Because I miss my Bear and I needed comfort food.

My kids are all going around in the house singing, "One bourbon, one scotch, one beer..." I guess that the Baptist churches will be out of the question.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Random Thoughts, Tid Bits, Musings, and Babble About the Last Few Days...

I bought a gorgeous lamp last night. It cost $100. It goes perfect with my new living room set that I also bought up here on clearance.

Discovered last night that hot cocoa with a slippery nipple shot thrown in it is amazingly yummy.

I think I could walk around the entire city square in less than ten minutes. I live in the county seat. The county court house has one judge for traffic and one judge for everything else. The public health department for the entire county is only open from 8:00am-9:30am M-F. Yup, that's just 7 1/2 hours a week. I know this because I had to go out there this evening because...

We have no water pressure so I called the well people who informed me that it sounded like I had a clogged up filter. I go to check the filter. I need a new one. I'll have to change it every three weeks with there being seven of us. That's just icky because he said that sometimes you'll see really gross stuff in it. I don't know if I could handle seeing the gross stuff that the filter is taking out of the water that I'm drinking. I KNOW that there is gross stuff in it, but I don't wanna see it. So I ask...

if there is another system that I wouldn't have to clean every three weeks. There is. He has me check the tank of one of the toilets to see if there are rust stains. No, I tell him it's gray...gray slime. He tells me to have my water checked for cholera immediately. Evidently, there are several things that can cause gray slime, one of them is cholera. It's the only bad one, so I need to check the water as a precaussion.

Now I realize the entire cholera intestinal thing is obviously not good, and I should be super concerned, which I am having the water tested and we're drinking bottled until the results show up, but my big concern is Fun Land. I mean, I can't purchase bottled water for bathing. What about Fun Land? It's soaked in the water. The water finds it's way into every crevice, especially while I'm soaking in the nice big tub. I wanna know if there are any dangers to Fun Land from cholera. I don't wanna end up with an itchy cooter. Itchy cooter would prevent any activity in Fun Land when I see my Bear in a little over a week. We cannot allow that to happen.

Oh hey! I take my own garbage to garbage drop off. It's not that bad, just ten minutes and I'm back. With that handy-dandy trash compactor I have now, I only have to change the trash every other day. When I go out, I just detour by the drop off station and throw it into one of the dumpsters to be hauled off to the dump somewhere.

My daughter had finished cleaning her room and told me to go check, but "just don't check the closet." Well, that's when I told her that I most definately WOULD be checking the closet. She goes "Oh" and hands me the popcorn. Tells me she'll be right back because she "forgot it." She's up there to "unforget" about it right now. Just thought that was amusing.

Someone was in the barn last night. I thought about doing a couple Slippery Nipple shots, putting my boots back on, grabbing my gun, and finding out who was down there.

But I'm not QUITE that stupid.

Or that brave actually. A fox might come after me or something. Sheeeeeeesh! I'm in the sticks. Goddess only knows what might be out there...watching me...waiting to make its a SKUNK or something.

I guess that's enough babble for the night. I'm going to go get happy now and hope it will dull the pain in my back so I can get some sleep.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

So where do I start...?

Okay, a couple days before the move, Bear and I buffed out and polished my boots. I love my boots. Friday morning of the move the U-Haul is all packed, the kids and I are dressed and ready to go. I'm outside talking with a neighbor when it happened...

a fly by turding.

That's correct, folks, not long before we're suppose to leave, a bird turds on me and my neighbor. It got on my shirt in two places and ON MY BOOTS! But hey, my neighbor got it in the hair, so I guess I'm willing to sacrifice my boots. I had to hand wash out my shirt and then throw it in the dryer. A friend in Florida told me that being turded by a bird was good luck. I though they were full of shit. But I've had several other people tell me the same thing. Okay, so I'll accept it as good luck. Bird turd...who'd have thought it?

Anyway, the drive went well, uneventful. We stop at the Best Western in Dalton, GA (where our reservations were) around midnight. Now who would have thought that they would have a seedy bar at the Best Western? I kids you not. There were drunks and a live band (did some the Eagles). The drunk women were all over by the check-in. We get into our rooms and I tell Bear that I'm gonna go get a snack. I have to go past the drunks to get to the snacks. I'm smiling, being my polite self and this drunken bitch makes a derrogatory remark to me. WTF? I'm in my sweat pants minding my own damned business, walking on the sidewalk. I excused myself as I walked past them. So WTF?

I ignored it and walked on as though I didn't hear her. I get to the snack machine inside of the lobby (after getting past a couple drunk men) and from my side vision I see this other drunken bitch eyeing me up with her hand on her hip with that come-on-give-me-a-reason look on her face.

Again, WTF!!!

So I'm heading back to my room eating my popcorn mentally preparing myself to have to kick someone's ass. I've never been in a fight in my life. Everything I've ever done has been on the mat. I really thought that I was going to have to put some of that training to use. I made it back to my room without an issue though. Thank the Goddess because I really didn't want to get in a bar fight with this rowdy bunch outside of a dive on a Friday night in Dalton, GA. Wasn't on my To Do list.

So I'm pulling this U-Haul over the mountains in Tennessee in fog so thick that you could hardly see the road. Bear said I did a great job. No problem. We got home around 1:00 in the afternoon.

The kids LOVE the house, the barn, the pond, and all the land around it.

I fired a real gun for the first time. Now I've been shooting BB and pellet guns since I was a kid, but I'd never actually fired a real gun before. Bear took me out with my little .32 and had me fire at a tree after he shot off three to show me. I fired of nine rounds all together. Seven of them hit the tree good and solid, one skimmed, one missed. Bear was impressed. Really impressed. So I've found something new to play with. I'm purchasing ear and eye protection and also some targets for practice. We have 34 acres for me to shoot on.

We saw an owl a few nights ago and last night we saw a red fox run across our little road heading out from the barn. It was cool!

Alrighty then, gotta go start dinner. Those kids of mine just demand food every damned day. Tomorrow I'll update you on my crazy mother.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Just letting y'all know that I leave tomorrow morning. I am taking a notebook with me to note anything of interest to share with you when I have my net and computer up and running at the new house.


Tuesday, January 17, 2006

And she won't leave me alone!

See, that is what I get for being nice. My mother left Jan 1st. I had no intention of speaking to her. She called Bear to ask if I'd speak to her about the lawsuit. She was writing everything out for the attorney. Fine. I said I'd speak to her. I was nice. She stayed on subject.

That was end of last week sometime. Anyway, she keeps calling and emailing me. Bear has told her to back off.

She won't.

This is why people don't like her.

She will not be getting my new phone number.
Packing sucks.

Packing sucks donkey butt.

And when we get there I get to UNpack everything I've spent days packing.

Yes, packing sucks.

Friday, January 13, 2006

I ate a whopper with cheese, no onions, heavy pickles today for lunch. I was so sick afterwards. Hard to believe people live on that crap.

Sorry for the entire introspective crap this morning. I had a brief PMS hormone attack. I've eaten chocolate since then AND a Krispy Kreme donut. The hormones have been satisfied and safety crammed tucked away for another day/month, whatever. I shall now return to being the shallow-needs-to-get-a-life-spoiled-bitch that you all know.

I'd like to congratulate Fred and Pumpkin on the newest member of their family. Rosie the dog is adorable!

Have a great weekend!
I would love to mop the floors but, alas, I've just painted my nails, so the floors will have to wait.

Actually, I've been having several very deep thoughts over the last few weeks. I've not shared them with you because, hey, the superficial stupid stuff is more fun. Plus I don't do serious well. However, for example: I was at Yoga last week when it came to me that my Daddy was 71 when he passed over (and I miss him terribly!). I will be 35 next month. That means that I've lived just about half of my Daddy's life. So if I were to die at 71 like my Daddy, that means I have just a little over 35 years to accomplish whatever it is I hope to accomplish.

If I were to die right now, my epithet would read, "Here lies Krystal. She was incredibly fertile and could give birth really well. She had big boobs and enjoyed sex."

I think I'd like something different. I'd like to be a specialist at something that I keep my clothes ON for. So here I sit.

I could meditate on the subject, but I get monkey mind and I keep thinking about the laundry, the floors, the kitchen, what I'm going to make for dinner the next few days, the shopping list, do we need milk? how are we on bread and peanut butter? Either that or I wind up on the bridge of the Enterprise going "where no one has gone before." (Sorry, I told you that I don't do serious well.) You're suppose to totally clear your mind when you meditate. I can't do that.

It did happen on the back of that motorcycle Wednesday. I'm still giddy about that. For the first half I had my eyes open and was looking around thinking, "Way fun! I need me one of these!" For real though, when that bike was moving and the wind was in my hair I could close my eyes and NOTHING was in my head. Absolutely NOTHING. Why can't I do that while meditating? Wish I could though because DAMN! my head needs a break now and then. Maybe I need to relax more and not try so hard.

Anyway, I'd love to focus more on my craft, study the Runes and Ogham more. I love candle magick, reading cards, Reiki. I LOVE these things because I can help people. I love my Reiki because it isn't always just physical. I can't go any further than that because, well, I just can't.

***My daughter just came in here to tell me that her brother "blahed her." I didn't know what she was talking about so she tells me, "I was talking and he blahed me." Translation: She was talking and he went, "Blah, blah, blah." Wonder where he got that from...***

Alright, that pretty much ended my moment of introspection.

I had this crazy dream last night. I have some friends who have started off in the gem stone business. I saw some last night at the Dojang. They were beautiful. So I have this dream that my lovely, well behaved children got ahold of these gemstones, took them out of their containers and started to throw them all over the Dojang. I'm looking at my Sabunim saying, "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I pay for all of them! I'm so sorry!"

Then the alarm went off.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

So I was relaying to my Bear a conversation I had the other day. We had discussed how all men are sick bastard who fantasize about woman on woman sex and also how much people should appreciate persons who fight to protect our freedoms (cops, military personnel, fire fighters, etc). My Bear, having been Navy, replies in his smart-ass way, "And we fight to protect your right to woman on woman sex too!"

Except I've never HAD woman on woman sex. Evidently though, he was willing to protect my right to do so.

Sick bastards.


We had two butterflies emerge from the pupa stage today. Here's one of them.

Now, how can anyone witness a caterpillar's metamorphisis into this creature of beauty and still not believe in a God or Goddess?
"The biggest killer in this country is stress. The greatest medication for stress is cannabis." - Willie Nelson on a Sixty Minutes interview with Ed Bradley last night. He's even smoked pot on the White House Roof during the Carter administration.

Willie is my new hero!!! I wonder if I could get him to donate to a grass roots movement called, "Homemakers for the Legalization of Cannabis". Yeah. I think I'd like those meetings. ***Get it? GRASS roots!*** Okay...bad joke.

Here is a picture of my Beloved Bear.

Great tongue, eh?
Every woman's fantasy man.

One more thing, My cat's butt. This was requested.

I have a REALLY fat cat. He was 23lbs last time I weighed him. He's so fat that he has a difficult time cleaning certain areas of his body, such a his back. It had come to my attention that he never has a difficult time reaching his nuts though. That is why it had me so freaked out that his butt was, well, very less than clean. It was quite...crusty.

I was getting really grossed out by this because, hey, the cat goes through my house with his tail up in the air. Monday night I rolled up my yoga pants, and took the cat in the shower.

He didn't like it.

I put the hand held shower head on pressure clean, lifted his tail and sprayed his butt.

He didn't like it.

But it wasn't coming clean. I ended up having to use the scrub brush lightly on the fur around his butt to get it all off. Then I decided to go ahead and bath the entire cat.

So THAT is the story about my cat's butt, *Moanique*. I hope you enjoyed it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

What Krystal Did Today...

I road around on the back of a Harley holding on to a Marine.

And discovered that this shirt really does make me look like I have amazing cleavage.

It was a good day.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Pictures of the infamous exploding airplanes (See previous post).

You can see the firecracker in the back.

Here is my son running away after lighting a firecracker.

Here is an airplane cruising down the sidewalk.

Sorry, no pictures of the explosions.

This is good learning. We have aerodynamics and propulsions. Learning can be fun. Of course after a few airplanes the boys just decided to lay bottle rockets on the street and light them. They go pretty far. If you take the stick off of them and light them you can plan run away from the flying thing in the air (without the stick in the back there's no telling where those suckers might end up).
Blowing Thing Up

My ten-year-old just did the waaaaaayyyy coolest thing! He made a paper airplane and put a bottle rocket (minus the stick part) in the back. He lit it on the sidewalk and that thing went flying and then it blew up!

Pretty cool. He's building #3 for our enjoyment right now.

I love that little pyro!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

It is not my mess, therefore I feel no compulsion to clean it, fold it, pick it up, or put it away. That is what I told my children before the crying and gnashing of teeth began a few moments ago. Why? Because I'm a bad mother.

And I'd rather play on the computer. So there.
It's official, I've changed the name of my blog. Yippie.

Here's a great link, Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene. That one is for my dear friend Fred. Thank-you, Old Horsetail Snake for the link.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

You won't believe this...there isn't a Dunkin Donuts within a fifty mile radius of where we are moving to. The closest Krispy Kreme is 90.54 miles away. What. Will. I. Do?!?!

Fortune Cookies

I've had a few amazing fortune cookies. Last night I had:
"Better face danger than be always in fear."

I thought that was pretty good. Two weeks ago I had:
"A mentor is a person whose hindsight can be your foresight."

Deep eh? Bear had one recently:
"Imagine what you could accomplish if you didn't think you could fail."

The one I had when Bear and I went for lunch read:
"You will be lucky in love."

That was sweet.

I'd be terrible at fortune cookies. I'd write stuff like:

"Those who brown-nose smell like shit."


"Real men don't live with Mommy."

How about:

"Those who are lazy often go hungry."

I like that one a lot. However, for some reason I don't think those would go over too well. I don't think I'd make it at greeting cards either. Oh well.

After some consideration, I've made a few decisions for the new year. I don't believe in "New Year's Resolutions" per se, but it's always good to re-evaluate your situation, keep what works for you and toss out what doesn't. So here are a few I'm gonna keep, and a few I'm tossing out:

1. I will continue to embrace my age. I will be 35 in just 44 days and I can't wait for my birthday!!!

2. I will continue to defy the adage "grow old gracefully." I am in the best shape of my life and I will dress however I want and party as much as needed. Let everyone else slip quietly into the night. I'm gonna go with a BANG!

3. I have become more confident in myself over the last several months due to some changes I have made in my life. I like this SO I will continue on my path of self-empowerment and self-enlightenment.

4. I'm too nice to people. I will stop letting other people intimidate me because, damn! I've no reason to feel intimidated. Over the last month I've found myself standing up for myself more and I like it. So out with intimidation and in with standing my ground.

5. I will be officially tossing out my Republican ties. I'm changing my party affiliation to Libertarian. Yup, me and Clint Eastwood. Famous Libertarians

6. I also decided to create my own adult web site...Just kidding.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Hey,'s cold!!! The 60's are cold for S. Florida.

So I go into my daughter's room and decide that she has too many things. We filled six laundry baskets piled high with stuff and took it into the other room. She tells me she has too much and starts putting things into the donation pile.

That was just way too easy. But I'll take it.

Was going to clean the carpets in the kids' bedrooms BUT the carpet cleaner made this funny sound and then smoke started to pour out. Not good.

I was working on one of those "Things About Me" pages that you see all over, but Bear was afraid that I'd end up being stalked. He thought things like, "I've never kissed a woman...but I've thought about it," and "Evidently, forsaking all others includes women," might attract strange men who would want to find me.


Hey! The Diva has a super cool t-shirt with some of her artwork on it. Super groovy. Buy one for the woman in your life.


I'm going to go take a salt tablet, drink some water, do some packing, do some cleaning, finish the laundry, etc. Translation=smoke some dope, do a few shots, lay around on the couch all day and watch soaps while my children run amuck through the house. Just kidding, I always lock my children in their rooms when I tie one on. I NEVER let them run amuck in the house. It leaves a mess.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I just can't do serious for too long.

I found a new blog that I relate to. Feminoz I plan to visit it frequently and will be adding it to my list on the right of your handy, dandy screen.

So I call my doctor because my blood pressure is so low I keep seeing spots and I'm getting light-headed and feel like I' going to pass out. This is not good. She tells me to drink more water and eat salt. I already drink nearly a gallon of water a day and I hate salt. The only way I like salt is on potato chips and fries.

Okay, little simple equation here: water+salt=bloat

Here's another one for you: water+salty potato chips=bloat and fat(ter) thighs

Both are bad for me. I think that the answer to the low blood pressure issue must be more sex. Sex fixes everything. I am convinced of that.

Had a bad day? Try sex.
Angry at your boss? Try sex.
House is a mess? Try sex.
Kids arguing over a video game? Try sex.

Hey, it might not make the problem go away BUT you sure as hell feel a lot better while it's going on.

Anywho, it was suggested that I try drinking. BUT alcohol is a depressant, it RELAXES you. Not going to help the old blood pressure go up. Then this light bulb goes off in my head. I HAVE been smoking a good bit of...uuuuhhhhh...cigarettes, yeah, that's what I smoke, and maybe, just MAYBE that's lowered the ol' blood pressure a bit.

Then another light goes off in my head, ***cigarettes*** lower blood pressure AND it's a lot cheaper than blood pressure medication is. Just another example of how the legalization of, uh, certain type of ***cigarettes*** would be good for the American public. Just think of the difference it could make. Everyone would be calmer, happier, more capable of going with the flow of things.

Well, I'm off to shower and dress and feed the fruit of my loins. I've been informed that it would be nice if I actually made a meal instead of throwing peanut butter and jelly at them. So tonight, it's grilled cheese!

Just kidding.
My deepest heartfelt condolences to the families and friends that lost their loved ones in W. Virginia. Please remember them in your thoughts and your prayers.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Please see the new description above, my new profile, and picture. I'm entering into a new phase in my life. I think it's an early midlife.

I just had an interesting conversation with Bear. I asked him whatever happened in france (I liked when it burned...after that...lost interest). He tells me that that particular part of france was now occupied by the Muslims. I called him a lying piece of shit. His reply, "They surrendered it quickly enough to the Nazi's, why not the Arabs?"

The man DOES have a point.

On another note...
She left yesterday afternoon. It wasn't pretty.

On a BRIGHT note...
I finally got laid. Oh, yeah...BAAAAAABY!